English | Pakistani

Photo credit: @clayhakiziman (Instagram)

I identify as a half English/half Pakistani Christian woman. My Dad was born and raised in England and is of English ethnicity. Whilst my Mum was born in Pakistan and moved to the UK in 1973 with her Mother, brother and sister. She is of Pakistani ethnicity. My Mum was adopted by my Grandmother who was Indian and living in Pakistan as a doctor before Partition. It wasn't until my Mother was 21 and living in the UK did she find out she was adopted with a twin brother that lived somewhere in the world. To this day, she does not know who or where he is.

My parents met at work during the 90's. At first my Mum didn't like my Dad as she thought he was full of himself but once they were introduced and got to know each other they soon got together.

Because my Mum has mostly grown up in the UK, she feels as though a lot of her Indian/Pakistani culture has been lost. As one of the first wave of immigrants to the UK in the 70's, the idea of 'assimilation' was more synonymous with catering towards the White majority. She attended a middle class, majority White school which she says she often felt like the odd one out. As a result, the need to 'fit in' was a constant pressure. However, as she got older and asked more questions to my Grandmother about her past she became more connected to it. Having family in both Pakistan and India meant she has often gone back to visit. My Dad has always loved cooking so when he met my Mum he started cooking more curry (to impress her) and since then makes as good a curry as my Mum does. I don't think either of my parents saw race as an issue when they met and didn't face much animosity about their relationship.

It's very important to me that the guy is aware of cultural differences and that there aren't any underlying racisms that he conforms to. Luckily, I've always been attracted to guys with a mixture of different cultural backgrounds as I like talking to people and finding out about their lives, also having lived in a University environment for the last three years has introduced me with a variety of different people. Meeting people who are from different cultural backgrounds allows a mutual understanding of the multi-faceted nature of a person's identity. My current boyfriend is half Maltese/half-Indonesian, so we have lots of interesting discussions about our cultures and it’s also interesting to learn about the cultures he comes from (and the amazing food).           

When I was younger and less aware of the implications and politics of identity, I didn't mind telling people about my mixed-race identity if they asked. However, in recent years, I've become aware of how I don't necessarily fit the label of someone who would be considered half Pakistani. My face looks more Mediterranean and so people are always surprised when I tell them I am half Asian. Normally the surprise isn't hostile but after a while it does feel a bit exhausting when you know the reaction you are going to get. Sometimes I also feel embarrassed especially when talking to other South Asians as I feel like an imposter by claiming an ethnicity and culture that doesn't typically look like me. However, I like to think that I am proof as to just how random genetics are and that there’s a beauty in not fitting a label or a certain look.

I think interracial relationships today vary in acceptance depending on what country you live in. Here in the UK, there doesn't seem to be a stigma around it anymore, however I think it would also depend on what race you were. I understand why some minority ethnic people sometimes don't want to date outside of their ethnicity/culture because of the racism and challenges they have faced throughout their lives. However I think the difference comes down to the ability to choose more freely. Whilst my Grandparents and parents would have been able to date outside their race, there would definitely been a much greater stigma surrounding it.   

I see it as an opportunity to call people out if they say something derogatory or racist, thinking that they can get away with it in my presence either because they don't know, or they think I won't care (this has happened a few times.) I remember one time when I was about 14, a girl in my class called my Mum the slur for a person of Pakistani origin. When I look back at it, the way she said it was not said in a hostile way but in a way that indicated this was the language her parents used around her at home. I corrected her saying, 'Yes my Mum is Pakistani' but at the age of 14 and growing up in a school that was predominantly White, it was the first time I had actually heard that word, so I didn't know how to respond to it. If I could go back and change it now, I definitely would have called her out on it.         

I have had the opportunity to visit India twice where we go and see lots of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. I've been twice for Christmas now. Even though my Mum is adopted, my Grandmother's family are like blood and since my Grandmother died a few years ago, it’s so nice to visit her brothers and sisters as they all look so much like her that it feels like she is alive in them. Whilst my Mum has been back to Pakistan, I have never been. I definitely would like to visit it one day to see where my Mum lived and grew up and where my Grandmother worked.

However, I definitely feel closer to the Indian side of my family just because there are so many more of them living in India and also, they are Catholic like me, so we celebrate the same religious ceremonies with them. It was interesting for me to see how Christmas is celebrated in India. Instead of your classic roast dinner we had lots of dishes of fish and meat curry which was so delicious. Instead of giving and receiving normal presents, we did a raffle as there were so many of us.

My perception of my identity has definitely changed, I have become more aware of it. The UK is such as diverse, multicultural place and I don't think this is represented properly in the mainstream media. Therefore, as someone who is mixed-race, it’s interesting to be in multiple spaces and conversations surrounding people’s opinions on race and ethnicity (which people still get confused over). People wear their identities on their sleeve. Whether that be political, sexual or racial. These are all factors that make us the individuals we are. Therefore, I think we are constantly evolving. How I feel now about my ethnicity will probably change in ten years’ time. I want to be a writer and write more about my experiences as well as post colonialism in Britain which I started doing in my final year dissertation. As I delve deeper into what makes our identities, I think that mine will evolve into a deeper understanding of how identities can be shaped by generational factors and the UK's colonial past.      

As I have been a student for the last three years, I do think that my University is a diverse place, (although that depends on who you ask) compared to my hometown. However, having had previous experience in a variety of work spaces, I don't think that a lot of them reflect the diverse society we live in. A lot of work places still seem to be dominated by the White majority and while there are companies that are looking to improve this, I do feel as though they need to be more invested and hire people who share the desire to improve spaces to make them more inclusive rather than just hiring 'BAME' employees so that they can tick off other criteria on their list.         

If I had the opportunity to be reborn I think I would be a bird as I've always loved the idea of flying through the air and being able to cover large distances and explore places.

Wellbeing during the Coronavirus pandemic has manifested itself in lots of different ways. The first half of it I spent revising for my final year exams at University. On top of COVID-19, leaving University has also been an emotional rollercoaster for me as the pandemic has disrupted my plans for after graduation as well as the chance of a possible graduation ceremony itself. But throughout the process, I've just had to remind myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that this isn't forever.