English | Javanese/Sundanese

Photo credit: provided by subject

I am a British Indo. The term Indo is short for the Dutch word Indo-European, that is a person of mixed Indonesian and European heritage. In my other areas of life I identify as a bisexual, cisgender man, who is agnostic, although culturally Muslim.

My Mother was born in Bogor on the island of West Java in Indonesia, the daughter of a Javanese woman and a Sundanese man. My Father is originally from London, born to English parents, but in his later life he moved all over the world and in many ways has lost his Englishness replaced by an international perspective. My Dad was working as an expatriate in Indonesia during Suharto's New Order dictatorship. My Mum was meanwhile staffing in a bar in Jakarta, supporting herself having run away from a forced marriage. Dad tells me he visited my Mum's bar often because it was the only one in West Jakarta to sell Western newspapers. I think they only knew each other about 4 months before eloping on holiday in Britain.

My Mother was very absent for most of my life, spending most of her time studying and working to send money back to Indonesia. I think because of her traumatic experiences of growing up as a woman in an ultra-conservative Muslim family Mum really tried to shrug off everything Indonesian about her. So I had a very Western upbringing. That said, Mum always made time to pray with me in Arabic before we went to bed. I still know all the words to the al-Fatihah, despite having no clue what they mean. At home we spoke mainly English, because my Dad had read that bilingual children perform worse at school; although, I passively absorbed Indonesian listening to my Mum speaking with her friends, and am now in this weird place where I can understand it, but if I speak I sound like a 3 year old. 

Food-wise I was mostly subjected to my Dad's cooking, which even by English standards I would say is pretty bad. However luckily we would go back to Indonesia every second or third year, spending 2-3 months at a time, where I got to eat to my stomach's content.

I grew up in a very White area and always found I could not relate to my (White) partners. Most of the people I knew growing up had never heard of Indonesia. Then I moved to London and discovered I found it a lot easier to date people of colour. They just got it. Nonetheless, irrespective of culture I've met my fair share of men and women who will quickly stereotype me as an Asian man; submissive, awkward, etc. I've read that statistically Asian men are at the very bottom of the dating pile. 

I've hidden both parts at various times and I'm not proud of that. In fact, I feel that for most of my life it was hidden away from me. I was originally just given English names because my parents were afraid that I couldn't get a job with something typically Indonesian or Muslim-sounding. Last year, when I collected my PhD, I also added my maternal Grandfather's last name, Widjaja, to my middle names. I now understand that hiding a part of myself comes from a place of not feeling that I deserve to be seen as either British or Indonesian. That I am somewhat of an ethnic imposter. Luckily, I'm now more comfortable with being both and neither simultaneously. I'm glad it's accepted now. To be completely honest, I cannot in any way understand why anyone could still have an issue with it. But these people exist.

Straddling cultures and learning to navigate them is a good exercise in diplomacy and learning how not to centre yourself in every aspect of your identity. But it also means there is no one ‘home’ identity. British Indos are very rare, I think I meet a new one every two or three years, so unlike some of the larger ethnic minorities out there, it has been very lonely. I have Caribbean and Desi friends, who are very assured in what it means to be of their cultures, but Indos just seem to me to be lost. For some reason, we all seem to want to assimilate. The largest Indo population (800k) in Europe is the Dutch Indo population, which has been described as so successfully assimilated into Dutch culture that the group can barely exist as a separate ethnicity. I've wrestled with this for a long time, because I celebrate both sides of my heritage. I think I've learnt to be more confident in who I am because I have to contrast myself to the silence around my identity.

I grew up in the UK, so I know it very well. Studying at Cambridge and doing a PhD in London made me feel like I always have a home in Britain. I've spent relatively less time in Indonesia, but I make an effort to visit every 3-4 years to see family, to keep my Indonesian ticking over, and to just enjoy this unbelievably beautiful country. Most of what I learn about Indonesia I acquire from books. I have recently been reading that while the transatlantic slave trade was going on, 1.3 million enslaved Asians were traded by Europeans in South East Asia too. While 10% of the transatlantic counterpart, that is still a huge number. The thing is, we do not talk about this crime in the same terms as we do for African enslavement, in fact we don't speak of it at all! This has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with. To be enraged and for so few people to know because all the books are in Dutch.

My outlook on being mixed has matured. I'm certainly more forthright about it now. I know it will probably evolve as I grow older since I read a lot about identity and am always keen to hear other people's views. For instance, currently I'm processing some opinions I've come across that identifying as mixed is problematic because it is race-essentialising. This obviously bothers me, because this view is a form of erasure of the identity I've worked so long to accept for myself. But I also get that these people have a point, so my views will no doubt have to shift at some point.

I work in AI as an academic researcher. While we are on the cutting edge of our art, we are decades behind in terms of our social politics. This has led to the creation of such groups such as Black in AI, Queer in ML, Women in ML, {Dis}abilities in ML, etc. I think this is a step in the right direction, but we are still far from a welcoming environment for all.

If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would return as an Indo, and I'd like one of my names to be Indonesian and one English. I would insist on being taught both my parents' languages and I would probably just eat my Mum's Indonesian cooking though (sorry Dad).

I have been lucky to live and work in the Netherlands during the pandemic, working at the University of Amsterdam as an AI researcher. Here the lockdown has been only fairly light, and I can continue to supervise students and conduct research from the comfort of my home. I do daily sport and regularly meditate, and I also spend a lot of time chatting with or seeing friends (from an appropriate 1.5 m distance), all of which has buoyed my wellbeing.

I wholeheartedly support the protests due to racial inequality and have actively participated here in the Netherlands as well. Racism, and in particular anti-Blackness, is a global problem. I feel that as a person of colour of mixed heritage I can use my adjacency and access to White privilege to be a better ally to Black communities. There are so many issues to be addressed though, be it structural racism in institutions, anti-Blackness in White and Asian communities, the politics of intersectional discrimination, etc. I admit I do sometimes feel helpless at the magnitude of the issue.