English | Jamaican

Photo credit: provided by subject

Both my parents are British Born. My Mother's parents are from Jamaica (Black) and they are part of the ‘Windrush generation’. My Mother was born in Cardiff, Wales. My Father is English (White) 7+ generations, based in England. I never knew my Father's side of the family; my White side. My Father was born in Chatham, Kent.

I always ask my parents how they met. The only answer I know is my Mum's side of the story. She met my Father in Kent (England) when she was studying at Kent barbering college. My Father was studying at University of Kent (Polytechnic); Mathematics and Physics. They had mutual friends or something like that. My Father refuses to tell me his side. They split up when I was 7yrs old, I was raised entirely by my Jamaican family, with my Father doing the odd babysitting when my Mother could not get a babysitter. Until I was old enough to look after the household at 16.

I actually don't know much about English traditional culture. So people are surprised when I don't know certain things native to the UK. I haven't been to Jamaica (which is a shame), I had the choice when I was 12 to either go to Disney world or the Caribbean. At 12 Disney won. Plus one of my Mum's sisters lives in America. So we went there. If I knew back then that it would be the ONLY FAMILY HOLIDAY we would go on l think I would have chosen Jamaica. 

I grew up in an old school traditional Christian Jamaican household. Which was all Jamaican women. All my Black male relatives (older generation) have passed away now. Caribbean food and music were very common in my household. School and home were like different worlds. Especially for the odd friend who dared to visit (Jamaican women are very vocal and strict about who can come though their front door) who felt like it was an intense cultural experience.

I remember when I was about 5/6 my Grandfather had a very thick Jamaican Patois accent. Used to ask my Mother to tell me what he said, because I couldn't understand. My Grandmother’s English language is more Transatlantic. More on the American side because she lived in America for almost a decade back in the 90's to be closer to my Aunt. But moved back to the UK in 2000's.

As for my Father's side. I only met my biological Grandmother when I was a newborn. She wanted to see how ‘dark’ I was, I never saw her again or even a picture of her. I met my biological Grandfather and his second wife when I was 4 years old. I also never saw them again. 

I took one of those DNA tests in 2015 to see if I could find more about my Father's family history. Turns out that I am 20% Scottish/Irish and another 20% French/German (the French German surprised me because 20% is quite high). I was able to find my Father's cousins and Aunt's and Uncle. But it's not smooth sailing; we are all estranged. My Father isn't happy that I took a DNA test, so it's not really given me any more answers to my Father's family history. I don't rock that boat with questions anymore.

All of my partners have been from immigrant backgrounds, because that's all I have ever known. I also think the way people treat me when they find out my 1st name and maiden name (are the most common names in the UK) and my English accent. When I tell them or they meet my Black Mother I find their demeanor changes really quick. There are people who always tell me who I should date and why. And how people in society compare mixed-race (Black/White) people who Mum is White vs whose Mum is Black. My last partner before my husband (he was Black Jamaican) gave me this lame excuse as to why he couldn't see me anymore. It was down to the fact that my Father is White. He said he didn't feel like he could connect with him. Over a mixed-race woman whose Father is Black. By the time he said that turned out he was seeing this other woman and she was pregnant with his baby. Her Mother was White, so I felt like it was a kick in the teeth. I was heartbroken. Like I wasn't good enough for Black men. 

My now husband (10 years married) is 1st generation Eastern European. Ukrainian Born, Latvian raised. British/Irish based. He's a mix of Slavic/Balkan and a tiny bit of Anatolian Turkish (DNA results) & a Russian speaker. He definitely looks more Mediterranean over Eastern European.

I have always been open about who I am, if people come correct and ask me honestly and don't beat behind the bush. When people ask me I tell them genetically I'm mixed-race (Black and White), but I was raised by a single Black woman who is from an all-Black family background. With no White family member input in my upbringing. I have been on dates when some men have said ‘if anyone asks just say you are Italian/Spanish’, those dates never went to date 2! I have had people who either come from my background or not (depending on the situation) try and tell me how and who I should identify with. I identify with myself. If you know who you are as an individual, you don't need to hide anything. 

Personally it's very hypocritical for me to have a negative view on interracial relationships. Because I wouldn't be here. In my Grandparents time (I could say it's the product of their times) but I don't think that is a valid reason anymore. Especially when we have access to personal home Ancestry DNA kits. Interracial relationships have been going on from that time.

It all depends upon how these relationships are formed. Though a loving stable relationship or a racial fetishism gone too far. I have always been told that my White sides are extremely racist and that's why my Father cut them off. My Father himself has never verified this. From my past dating experience, I think the colourism, racial fetishism is still there from the past. Which is why I am very cautious about who I have personal relationships with. Relationships are all fun and games until a pregnancy has taken place or you decide to take them home to meet the family. For me it's up to your personal preference and as long as you are honest, true to yourself and on the same page. Interracial relationships can be rewarding and fulfilling life experience. Opens your world to a big vibrant community outside of your own. 

No matter what generation there are always challenges. Good, bad and the ugly. I think the challenge is that I don't look like the mixed I belong to. My oblong face and hook nose. I have had people Black or White asking where I'm from (which isn't a problem), it's only when they don't believe me and trying to question my truth. I tend to get mistaken for North African, African American, Greek, Latina, Ethiopian or Blasian (Black and Indian). Or as a few White English people. I had a woman once ask me, which fake tan do I use!

I think my positives are that I can get along with other people from all different walks of life. I have goth/rocker friends and 1st generation African friends. I was always the girl in school who had misfits for friends. And always the 1st to greet the new person from a different country who has moved to England. I just liked meeting people who are different from my own background. 

I've visited around the UK; Northern Ireland, Wales & England, and now Ireland. I’ve lived in Ireland since 2012. I haven't visited my Father's hometown, but I have been to my Mother’s place of birth in Wales (as we don't live far away from Wales). I think I spent a lot of my childhood trying to find my Father's family to find out if I look like anyone on that side of the family. 

Race really became a factor when I was in school and dating. I remember a group of girls (mixed-race girls) trying to get me to join their ‘mixed-race crew’, I said why? Then I said no! And that was the start of your not Black enough, you’re a coconut, sell out, etc. You name it, I've been called it. The only way your outlook evolves, I believe when you get past the age of 25! By the time you're 30 you find yourself caring less and less. When people ask you where you come from (my husband gets the Same questions; his monobrow and transatlantic accent) he says his Mum is Hoo-Haa. I think with me I always feel like I have to give people an answer even if they are being nosey. Must be a British thing.

I'm currently a stay at home Mother to a special needs child. But as of 2020 a lot of us are now working from home, with the exception of essential workers. But I used to work in TV and film and that's a whole different story compared to what I'm doing now. I'm learning make-up as I know what the process is like working in TV/film and media. As a woman of colour being on set and not having anyone else who can do my hair or even makeup.

I have been reborn twice! I died twice. I was born prematurely at 25 weeks, weighing 1lb 12oz. Maybe this my final return to earth for a reason.

Since the pandemic began I’ve been through a series of mixed emotions. In the beginning it was okay. Getting used to limited shopping and social outings. As the months progressed, our family dynamics changed. My husband started working from home (which we are grateful to be having paid employment). Then my son (who has autism) started getting restless because of not fully understanding this worldwide pandemic. All he knows is that school is closed and his favourite Mc Donald's is closed. My skin has started to get out of whack. Finding myself more dehydrated and my skin is get very sensitive and rashes. We as a family have started to work out from home. To keep our fitness and health up, before lockdown I was a casual gym goer. Around my son's school hours. So it's definitely something that I would look forward to going back to (if we ever get back to a new normal).

I have always felt like not enough is done to give people an equal opportunity in this world. I haven't gone to public protests, only because I remember when I was younger and there were protests on TV and l remember asking my Mother and Grandmother why we don't go. My Grandmother clearly said to me that if you work in a private or public sector and you’re a non-White person caught on camera (video or print) you’re more likely to get fired from your job if your employer finds out than your White co-worker at the same protest. She always told me to find other ways to support the cause without being in the limelight for 15 minutes of fame. That situation can either make your life better or worse. So I have always had that in my forefront of my mind.