American | Indian/Turks & Caicos

Photo credit: Provided by subject

I often check the mark for Asian (Indian), Black, and White when filling out forms; but prefer to simply go by the title of White-passing mixed. In regard to religion, I guess I’d just have to say that I’m still figuring that one out, but c’mon I’m only 18! My Mother was born in Kolkata, India to an Indian Mother and a Caribbean Father, specifically from the Turks and Caicos Islands. She lived in India for part of her childhood but also lived in various countries such as; Iran, Venezuela, and Ecuador. Her home base was always in Washington, USA, where she became a US citizen at age nine. My Father was born in the United states to a White family, to be honest, I don’t know the exact origin. They met in college at the University of Puget Sound and the rest is history.

In many ways the culture of my Mother and Father are very similar: they are both American. While it is true that my Mother lived in many countries, her home base was always the US, and in turn her upbringing was very western no matter where she was located. I don’t believe that combining cultures particularly hard for them, at least just as hard as understanding any part of a significant other’s background. In my world, I see interracial relationships everywhere and to me labelling them feels weird and makes them appear mystical and taboo. In such a melting pot of a country, like the US, I feel that interracial relationships are almost inevitable. And I think we all know that the farther one travels back in time the less tolerance there is for racial mixing, and of course that holds true in America. Besides this truth I do not have a specific family opinion to draw from, but I would like to think that my grandparents had no problem blessing my parent’s marriage. 

I have always been way more connected and interested in my Mother’s side, the Indian and Caribbean side, than my Father’s White side. I attribute this to the idea that in America being White is the status queue, so when I was dealt the hand of having another half mixed in, I saw it as an opportunity to be unique. And I held on for dear life. Because of this unbalanced connection I think that in my mind when picking a partner, I often choose someone who isn’t just White. While It may sound racially motivated, I think it has more to do with my experience of non-White = culture and White = boring. So, subconsciously I will choose the non-White person because I link that to being more interesting, and of course not all non-White people are interesting and not all White people are boring. It may sound problematic but that is the way this brain (and heart?) of mine works. 

For me the most positive part of being mixed-race is that I can be a part of a lot of different conversations. I can relate to people of color and White people equally. In my opinion, this benefits me greatly and allows me to take a different and more balanced perspective on issues. To me, diversity is one of the beauties of life, and so when I am able to provide that to any situations, I consider that a victory. 

I am White-passing, meaning that about 99% of the time when someone sees me that will think I am just White and them continue on with their day. Because of this I have never experienced any blatant racism and for that I am thankful. That being said, people sometimes feel more secure making a comment about Indians or Black people in my presence feeling comfort in my White skin. Of course, they are quickly embarrassed when I reveal to them my full identity. Identity: that is really the challenge. It would be impossible for me to unpack the identity issues that I have regarding being mixed-race in one simple piece of writing. At the moment the one thing I know to be true is that finding a balance between my two halves is a struggle. I constantly deal with guilt as I see myself benefitting from the benefits of being a mixed person, like the culture and the curly hair, while being void of the racism and systematic hate of visibly non-White people. I wish I could say more, and I yearn for the time that I have all the answers, but to be frank I don’t think that time will ever come. But that is okay, I believe that finding my identity is a journey that will take a lifetime. 

I would say that I connect to my Indian side the most in regard to the cooking, there are few things that I take pride in more than going to an Indian restaurant with friends and feeling completely at home with the menu. I believe this connection stems from memories of my Grandmother cooking chicken curry for us, the biggest connection to her Indian roots. I have yet had the privilege of visiting any of my native countries. Visiting India has always been a discussion in the family, and we have all agreed to make the trip sometime, hopefully sooner than later.  

As an 18-year-old college student my journey of actually acknowledging and being conscious of my mixed-race identity has just begun. It is an exciting experience to be able to try to put in words how my mixed experience has been, and to have hopes of helping others in the same boat. I hope the feeling of excitement and willingness to speak my truths about my identity never goes away. 

If I were to be born again, and being my same self wasn’t an option, I would definitely choose to be a vegetable samosa. I have hardly seen anything in this world bring as much join to people as a crispy, golden, piping hot samosa. And what is the purpose of life if not to make people happy?