American | African-American

Photo credit: provided by subject - selfie

I identify as African American & Native American, Caucasian, cis-female and a lesbian. Both parents are born in Chicago and met in Chicago. Unfortunately, neither expressed their interest in their background so, I never had an upbringing around our culture. My Father’s Grandmother is first generation American and moving here she always said she left her culture in Austria to be American. 

I think interracial relationships are beautiful. My parents and grandparents come from a period where it you dated/married within your culture and anything that was out side of that wasn’t expected to last or have a positive representation. There was a type of secrecy to be an interracially couple while today in the western culture we’re more proud and open with it. My culture has only made me most attracted to other cultures outside of my own. 

Most recently I attended a two-day seminar called ‘Beyond Diversity’, in a room packed with over 100 people another participant asked me if they could ask a personal question. I said of course. She overheard that I was mixed and wanted to know my experience growing up, how I identified, and I quickly teared up because I’ve never been acknowledged as mixed nor asked this question. After providing my answer she showed me a picture of her family and her story, she is a Black woman who had two children that look like me and my brothers. She said her son identifies as Black and her daughter as White and she had a hard time accepting how light her children came out. We had a great conversation over being mixed and the lack of education and awareness to raising mixed children. She gave me a big hug and it was then for the first time I felt a positive reaction and acceptance for being mixed. 

While I am Black I am also White and there’s this ridiculous social construct around choosing sides or because you look one way you don’t get to be another. There’s also this idea that I know or assume experience that happens to my identities. For example, I am Black and I am proud but I have privilege, I cannot change that and I cannot experience the full Black experience. I grew up middle class, in a mixed neighbourhood and my skin tone is White. I do not have a fear when I am pulled over, I am not racially profiled. I have a ‘choice’ to share my race. I’ve also been met with rejection because of my mix, growing up I was told I’m not Black enough to marry another Black person by my first partners’ parent. I’m not challenged the same way a POC is, but my challenges are based on my choice to live authentically me. 

I have many things that are considered typical cultural practices such as loving to dance. I listen to every type of music possible from Rap/Hip-hop to Spanish. I’m fortunate to be exposed to my cultural background as well as others. My fashion isn’t culturally based, and we do not have a second language but I do have more common ties to growing up ‘Black’. My Black family all can cook, and we throw down in the kitchen while listening to Luther and Tina Marie. My home shows my background by family photos and art that is both reflective on my Black and White side.

I have visited Poland a handful of times however I am such a small percentage of Polish that it’s not so much my culture but a small component to me. 

My outlook has changed and will change as I age. Growing up mixed was extremely challenging to understand my identity and feel accepted. Growing up with a Black mother and White father in Chicago would seem easy because we’re a melting pot for a city but segregation and acceptance is still a very real problem. I am ‘ghostly White’, I’m 25% Black. I do not tan and often I’m acknowledge as Italian or Hispanic. Throughout my childhood I tried incredibly hard to prove my ‘Blackness’. I gravitated towards my Mother’s experience and lifestyle more than my Fathers. As I got older, I realized I’m doing things that is an oppressive representation of Black culture because they are everything my Mother was presenting on the surface, an angry Black woman. I have hips and ass so that makes me more Black, I can twerk so that makes me more Black, I fight because that makes me more Black, I listen to neo-soul because that makes me more Black. I’m not soft because that makes me more Black. I then realized just because my Mother fit a social norm, a stereotype, that does not mean every Black person is like this. It does not mean every Black person has a big ass. It does not mean every Black person is uneducated. It does not mean every Black person is dark. It does not make me more or less Black. I started to love myself for everything I am and everything I am not. I started to realize that my Mother’s struggles and experiences are hers and mine are just that, mine. I hope that I’ll continue to change and learn as I age because I appreciate where I am today, who I am today. 

I’m openly and safely myself. The awesome thing is that I work in an Orthodox Jewish company and we’re all able to learn from each other. 

If I had the opportunity to be reborn I’d return as me and if the option is available with knowledge to everything I experienced in my past lives. I once hated my life and spent many years crying about the experiences I had and why but one day everything changes and that one day made everything I ever went through this journey to becoming the person I now love and care for.