African American/Afro-Mexican | Jamaican/British/Dutch/German

Photo credit: provided by subject

I identify as both Black and Mixed. My parents are both American but my Dad is African-American and Afro-Mexican and my Mom is mixed Jamaican & American. My Mum’s Father (my Grandfather) was born in Jamaica and her Mother (my Grandmother) is British, Dutch and German. Both of my parents were really young when they had me. I believe they met in high school or neighbourhood friends. Unfortunately it’s not a romantic love story. My family didn’t really integrate cultures. My Dad identifying as a Black man in America really rejected his Mexican culture, while my Mom was recognized as biracial. She raised me very AfroCentric. My Mother incorporated so many varieties of the Pan-African experience especially through music including Salsa, Merengue, Cumbia, and Bachata. 

I always adored my Grandma and never realized consciously how growing up with a White Grandma made me different until I was around other kids of color. I listened to country music with her. I was encouraged to play with White dolls (totally discouraged by my Mother.)  Most of all, as a child, I wanted my Grandma’s wavy Brown hair and light Brown eyes as opposed to my fluffy curls and dark eyes.  

I believe there is some bias surrounding my choice of partner as I believe I want someone to understand what it’s like being a person of color. I’ve never hidden anything but at one point growing up, I thought we were Puerto Rican. And up until maybe high school I really tried to overcompensate for my White side by ‘acting Black’. It was embarrassing in retrospect. Considering that both of my grandparents were in interracial relationships, and I grew up watching my Mom, Dad, and Aunts date and marry everyone from Persian, Filipino, Latino, Russian, White-American, and Black, I’ve never felt strange about it unless it was projected onto me by someone else. 

Currently I live abroad and it’s interesting to see people’s perspectives about who I am and where I come from. I argue with myself about identifying as mixed or Black. People ask where I’m from in terms of national origin. Usually I just say American and people assume Black-American. I’ve also had people not accept my Blackness because I don’t look Black based off of their cultural perception of what Black means to them. Considering the history of the US, I consider it to be my native country. I have been once to Mexico with a Mexican ex, but I felt more stares there than in the US. Because I didn’t grow up with the culture, I actually felt the imposter syndrome, so I don’t usually mention it even though I went out of my way to learn Spanish. I feel like I identify more with other Latin Americans that share a similar Phenotype.

From only identifying as Black to strongly identifying as mixed and finding strength and an identity in it, to kind of coming full circle and identifying as Black because... I’m not sure.. is it easier? I don’t want to deny my Blackness? I’m 26 and still figuring it out and I’m sure I’ll figure out another piece the more I grow. I work in Korea so they see things as Foreign/Western/English versus Korean/Eastern. 

If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would return maybe as a water mammal. It’s another world in the ocean. Or as myself in another dimension.