French | Indonesian
Growing up, I felt like I had to highlight the French parts of me, and dim the Indonesian ones. Mainly because I felt it made me stand out in a way that felt like it contradicted the sense of belonging of most individuals around me during teenage years. Within my family, I felt like I was torn between different mindsets; one that seemed to be about whatever costs the least, and the other on quality and effectiveness. It's not to say that both cultures are fully represented in this aspect, but in my experience growing up, I often felt this tension between standards being at play, from a medical surgery to even buying everyday goods. Today I've chosen to find ways to keep this link to both cultures alive, and to explore multiple ways in doing so. That's how I landed working for a French company on topics related to sustainability and living in a part of Europe where the Indonesian community is prevalent.
Especially when growing up, I was scared of being judged and not feeling like I belonged. So growing up anything that would showcase my background would be diluted, such as dying my hair in a way that would challenge me having Black hair, or finding ways to hide my beauty marks, as most of the other girls wouldn't have these. When I'd accompany my Mom at her Indonesian community gatherings, she would be wearing traditional clothes, and if we happened to cross areas of Paris where strict norms were predominant, I could sense the stares and the looks of judgement, which led me to never wanting to do the same, out of fear of not wanting to identify to anything that could provide a culture clash.
I've gradually accepted that perhaps despite wanting to live all the myriads of lives within one lifetime, perhaps time may not allow me to do so. But by connecting with others and living through someone else's story I get a chance at experiencing all these various lives. I'd like to think that through sharing your own personal story of your own mixed-race experience, you also help feed the parts that others may or may not relate to, and provide a wholesome experience across the wider spectrum of mixed-race identity.
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