English/Irish | Indian
When I was 15 I changed my surname from my Indian surname that I had at birth to my Irish surname, which is my Mum’s surname. This felt right for me at the time but looking back it was actually fuelled by a lot of racism, difficulty with my identity and wanting to belong. As an adult, through therapy I realised that it was something I needed to take action around. I took my Indian surname back and kept my Irish surname. It felt like a big decision and right to do as it was the one I was born with and had my whole childhood, and the other one I had for my adult life. I read a book that really helped me called ‘What’s in a name?’ by Sheela Banerjee. I was in a bookshop and I just came across it exactly at the time I was working through the difficulty I had around my name change. The book was great as it went through personal accounts of people who have names from non-British origins and many of them had been through a process of changing their name or receiving racism because of it.
Without realising what was happening at the time the name change felt like I was hiding part of me and my identity. It definitely helped me ‘fit in’ more. That ended up being more painful because it felt like I wasn’t being my full self, or true to myself in a way. It can take a lot of energy and resilience to be fully yourself in some settings. I think this goes for everyone and mixed-race people specifically, as there can be something about not fitting neatly into people’s ideas of what someone ‘should’ look like or how they ‘should’ act or what they ‘should’ be like. On reflection, times when I remember not being my full self were probably coming from a place of fear or just not having the energy to challenge people’s ideas.
I think a big part of my adult life has been getting to know myself, my culture and appreciating it. I am still on that journey and taking my time.
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