English/Welsh | Bajan
I was brought up by a single Mother and my Grandparents, and the White/British side of my family. I was incredibly loved but I also felt incredibly out of place (even now), even though I was so young and did not fully understand why I had different features to my Mum. Why my hair was different, why I was built differently, and why my skin was a different colour to the people who brought me up with no one to compare to. It was also a sensitive topic so it wasn’t something I ever really felt I could ask about until I started to understand what it was I was asking.
I am the only one on my Mum’s side of the family who is mixed so I feel like I grew up feeling culturally isolated, especially with an incredibly one-sided upbringing. Occasionally in family gatherings where I look around the table, I look like an outsider, and to someone looking in, I could well be until you see us interacting and realise I have inherited all my Mum’s gestures and mannerisms. For me, it's more about not finding anywhere I fit in. I’m quite light skinned so I’ve always felt I sit on the outside in every respect, and don’t really tick any kind of box when it comes to my heritage. I don’t look White enough, I don’t look mixed enough and I don’t look Black enough. Where will I feel like I am enough? I still feel like I'm constantly having to justify myself. Some people are more gracious and understanding about it than others. I’m definitely in the midst of an identity crisis but I do feel like I’m slowly coming out the other side of it and starting to have those conversations with the people around me.
Exploring identity is such a complicated thing and that’s okay to remember that. I think it’s important to be proud of your heritage and what it has blessed you with and to embrace every aspect if and when you can and want to. It can be a hard journey of self discovery so love every aspect you uncover and explore at your own pace. You are you, you are already your established self and that’s enough.
Read more at www.mixedracefaces.com
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