Dutch | Surinamese
You'd think I feel more Dutch because I grew up here. I've never been to Surinam and I don't speak or understand Sranangtongo. But because I'm not White, I never felt Dutch since in most social settings I'm a minority. I mostly feel like an 'Amsterdammer'.
I grew up in the North of Amsterdam, which was super diverse. I think in my school class alone there were more than 10 different nationalities. I was never aware of the colour of my skin, until I moved to the Zaanstreek when I was 10. I ended up in a village that did not have much diversity. In high school I could count the non-White kids of the entire school on one hand.
Although I wasn't treated differently in high school, I knew I stood out of the crowd because of the color of my skin. I never blended in, but I tried to. For example by starting to straighten my hair every single day. Even till this day I am not always completely comfortable wearing my hair curly. The pretty White girls got boyfriends whilst no boy showed interest in me. It was almost like my feelings were confirmed; I was not good enough because of my skin color. I think it made me wary and protective of myself. I got scared to be rejected and I would put up a front. I made sure I friend-zoned guys first before they could do it to me. I made sure I made a joke about the color of my skin before anyone else could do it. I still hear people around me say ‘I could never see myself with a person of color’, which I find so hurtful and it makes me want to keep my guard up.
Sometimes I was confronted with being different. For example, by not being able to buy the same make-up (foundation) as my friends, because my skin color would never be available in stores. Or my White school friends not knowing what Keti Koti, Surinam Independence Day, is. I don't remember talking about it with anyone or complaining about it. It was just the way it was. Nowadays, having a very diverse friend group and living in the city centre of Amsterdam, being mixed-race doesn't occupy my mind on a daily basis. I'm proud of the color of my skin and love having perspectives on life from two cultures.
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