Dutch | Senegalese
I think I have hidden parts of my identity, especially my queerness and my neurodivergence, without even realising it. For a long time, so much of my energy went into understanding and navigating my multi-ethnic, biracial identity that there was little space left to explore these other parts of myself.
Looking back, I see that it was not really about wanting to hide; it was more about survival, about trying to belong and make sense of myself in a world that often prefers clear categories. Now I am learning that all these layers of who I am can coexist and that there is real beauty and power in that complexity.
People have always perceived me differently depending on where I was. When I lived with my mother in West Africa, people often called me métisse which roughly means “mixed”. For a long time, I’ve felt closer to the Dutch side of my culture. But it’s also created a kind of longing for my Senegalese side, a feeling that something was missing or incomplete. I didn’t have contact with my father for a long time. When I finally went back to Senegal at 18, I could clearly feel that I hadn’t grown up within Senegalese culture. It was a strange and sometimes painful realisation, because there’s a deep part of me that longs to feel fully connected to my Senegalese roots. When I’m in Senegal, however, I often feel very European or specifically, very Dutch.
That feeling can be isolating at times, as though I’m standing between two worlds, never fully belonging to either. But it also pushes me to keep exploring and redefining what belonging means for me, finding home not just in a place, but in people, in dance, my art, and moments that reflect both sides of who I am.”
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