English | Mauritian
Like many mixed children, I knew I was different because the other kids told me. “Why is your skin such a funny colour?”, one classmate asked.
The truth was: I didn’t know. Presumably in an attempt to fit in - to “pass” - my parents had told me I was White, and half French. Such subterfuge didn’t work in 90s rural Oxfordshire and I felt shame and a lack of myself belonging as a result. Even into adulthood, when something didn’t go my way - or I went on a date and the guy didn’t like me - I thought it was because I was “foreign”.
I even texted dates afterwards asking if that’s why they didn't like me. They thought I was crazy. But I didn’t have the weapons in my arsenal to be proud of my background, so why should anyone else accept me?
I did hypnotherapy in 2020 to retrace my steps and seek self-acceptance - I needed to bridge the gap between what I had been told and the realities of my confusing childhood. It was a life-changing experience and laid a lot of ghosts to rest, but there is still work to be done; whys to be resolved. But it helped me to tick “mixed-race” in a survey for the first time in my life. A proud moment. Progress.
In 21st century multicultural London, many people are surprised that I’m mixed: they regard me as White. It has taken a long time to recognise myself as mixed-race and yet reconcile that I have privilege. I’m not sure I will ever reconcile it completely as my childhood experience was so different but it has made me more aware of the discrimination other people of colour face and given me more of a voice to call it out.
I still don’t know what it means to be Mauritian, given it is inherently such a mix of cultures and ethnic backgrounds. I fly there - solo - for the first time in October but I don’t know yet how best to connect to my culture there. Most of my family moved to Europe or Australia in the 1960s. I had French as a low-key second language growing up, via my grandmother, but I know nothing of Creole language, culture or cuisine. So I’m finally making inroads: it’s a long-overdue step in the march towards self-acceptance.
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