Swedish | Filipino
My Dad immigrated from Sweden to Canada in 1967 to start his career in the logging industry. He was on holiday in the Philippines when he met my Mom at a small beach resort in 1982. He promised her he would be back but I don’t think she believed him. He did eventually return in 1984 and they were married in a small ceremony in the Philippines before she moved to Canada with my Dad (and with my sister in tow). I can only imagine how hard it must have been for her making that leap. She was homesick at first and shared many stories of some of the ‘mistakes’ she made when adjusting to life in Canada, like how she mistakenly sent my sister to school in pyjamas because she didn’t realize they weren’t ordinary clothes. She had never seen such fancy pyjamas before, ‘they looked like nice pants’ as she says! I was then born a few years later and we stayed on the island until I was nine years old.
Growing up in a small town on Vancouver Island, there weren’t a lot of other children who were mixed-race. I remember being very aware from a young age that I passed as White and that gave me certain privileges. I didn’t get the stares that my Mom got when we were out grocery shopping and I always picked up on the glances her and my Aunty would get when they spoke in their native language. When classmates came over for birthday parties, they would always make remarks about my parent’s accents and the Filipino food that my Mom would cook. Children are not always the kindest! Because of that, I would rarely mention or discuss my heritage at school. It’s a very different story these days as I couldn’t be prouder of my upbringing and cultural identity, but as a child all you want to do is fit in.
I’m at a point in my life where I’m questioning everything; my purpose, my decisions, and the path I want to take over the next few years. Most people my age are settling down into married life, moving out of the city, having children and it feels like I’m a little out of sync. I always wanted to live in the UK and I’m so grateful I got to fulfil that dream but I’ve been craving my roots recently and a greater sense of belonging and direction. I wouldn’t say I’ve resolved this just yet but it’s a work in progress and that’s ok.
As with most people, the last two years haven't been easy. With all of my family abroad, it’s been difficult not seeing them and living on my own has only added to the feelings of isolation and loneliness. I’ve never taken my family for granted but it does give you added perspective, I’m grateful to have them in my life and feel I’ll cherish those rare moments together a lot more given the time we’ve spent apart. It’s the little things I miss like going to the grocery store with my Mom, playing board games or having family dinners.
I’ve been crying quite a lot recently and it’s probably been a combination of many things. It’s been a very lonely time and work has been particularly stressful these last couple of months. I envy those who have friends, flatmates, family, or even animals around for the comfort and company. I’ve been having to deal with a lot of unkindness recently and all I’ve wanted is a hug from my Mom.
I feel very fortunate that I’ve gotten to experience all of my cultural backgrounds growing up. I was born in Canada but at the age of nine we moved to the Philippines as my Mom was keen to return home. I spent over a decade living there, it was a wonderful experience and I would be a completely different person today if I hadn’t grown up in the Philippines. It was hard at first, as a nine-year-old I definitely experienced cultural shock. When we first moved I didn’t speak the language yet and was bullied regularly at the first school I attended as I was the only ‘mestiza’. It was a difficult time for me but I do feel that experience helped shape who I am and made me a much more empathetic person. When you know what it feels like to be the outsider in the room, you become more mindful of others who are being excluded. My mom eventually found an international school which I transferred to and that was an amazing experience. Some of my oldest and dearest friends are the classmates I met there. I was suddenly no longer the only mixed-race student. I had classmates from all corners of the world who were also of mixed heritage and we were actively encouraged to celebrate our cultures and backgrounds.
As I got older, I was keen to learn a bit more about my Swedish heritage as it felt like this was always a bit of an unknown. I attended university in Sweden and spent a few years there, even getting to meet my Dad’s side of the family for the first time. They were kind enough to take me around his hometown and show me the places he used to visit as a child, it was wonderful getting to explore that side of my heritage.
Today I really do feel like a citizen of the world. I’ve spent as many years in the UK as I have in the Philippines, whenever I’m asked where I’m from I never know how to respond. I usually respond by saying I’m Canadian and no one ever assumes I’m mixed-race, they’re often surprised when I share that I’m half Filipino. I have roots in so many places but lately I’ve begun to question whether it’s time to move back to Canada to be closer to the family. I’m at a point in my life where the things that used to be important, like career progression and promotions, don’t seem that important anymore.
I’m not sure if time has been a factor in this but I’ve definitely found differences in attitudes and awareness depending on where I am in the world. There were fewer people of mixed heritage in the small towns I grew up in, both in Canada and the Philippines. This often led to more insensitive comments being made (though unintentional) because it was less commonplace to meet someone who was mixed-race. I remember my Mom always being asked if she was our maid when we would go grocery shopping in the Philippines because people couldn’t believe she was my Mom. London, by contrast, is a very multicultural city and I feel like that’s celebrated a lot more. I love that I can hop on the tube and hear different accents and languages being spoken.
I have met very few people who are half Filipino and half Swedish. It’s even rarer to meet someone who is half Filipino/half Swedish and born in Canada. I do have one friend in London who shares the same ethnic background and many others who are also half Filipino. It’s amazing how quickly you can bond with someone when you find out they share your heritage. They understand your cultural references and, in my case, the inside jokes about having a Filipino Mother and the wonderful quirks that come with that upbringing.
There’s so much systemic change that needs to happen but as individuals we all need to listen more. I feel like society has become so divisive these days and we’re not doing enough listening. Instead of listening to understand, we’re listening to respond. We need to make more of an effort to understand the lived experiences of our peers, our friends, our colleagues, and fellow human beings.
To be honest I’m not sure I would want to return as anyone or anything other than my current self. There’s a quote in the Office (of all places!) that goes ‘I wish there was a way to know you were in the good old days before you actually left them’. I’d love to live my life once more but with greater appreciation for every chapter, every moment, and every experience I’ve had (both the good and bad). I’d love the opportunity to really take those moments in instead of taking them for granted and letting them slip by.