Luxembourgish | Antiguan
I identify as mixed White & Black Caribbean, a non-practicing Catholic and straight female. My Mum is from Luxembourg and my Dad is from Antigua & Barbuda. They met in the 1980s at a US military base in Germany (not too far from Luxembourg), while my Father was serving in the US Air Force. Their cultures weren’t combined too well in our family, which is why I feel torn between both sides to this day. I grew up in various Southern states of the US until I was 7, and then moved to Luxembourg where I completed both my primary and secondary schooling. I therefore know my Mum’s native country, culture and relatives very well and speak all related languages (Luxembourgish, German and French). Although my Father has always cherished his Caribbean roots, I don’t see my other Antiguan relatives very often and also don’t speak patois (although I do understand it without issues). I’ve been living in London for three years now and what I love about it is the possibility to delve into my Caribbean heritage, while being only a short flight away from Luxembourg where both my parents still live.
From what I can see, interracial relationships are less frowned upon than in my Grandparents/parents’ generation, it’s no longer seen as a scandal. My parents don’t speak about it much, but my Luxembourgish Grandmother was quite upset when my Mother first brought my Father to the house, as in ‘what will the neighbours say’. My Mom did mention to me that my Father was the first Black man she’d met. Nowadays, I think people should be able to be with who they love, however marrying into each other’s family and/or having kids together requires a substantial amount of work: The willingness to explore and understand the culture of your partner and their family if it plays a central role in their life. Some interracial couples may fail to acknowledge the relevance of this. I grew up in predominantly White neighbourhoods and therefore the vast majority of my boyfriends in the past were White. I am now dating an Eritrean man and looking back, I realise that there were certain things a non-Black man wouldn’t be able to understand. I feel safer and free to be myself, which I never have in previous relationships.
I have experienced confusion as to who I am and the feeling of never being ‘White enough’ or ‘Black enough’. Particularly in my teenage years, I tried desperately to blend in with all the White kids at school by keeping my hair relaxed and straightened at all times. Being bullied by the boys in my class definitely played a role there. On the other hand, my Father complained my brother and I were ‘acting like foreigners’ and ‘why aren’t you speaking patois’ on past family holidays to Antigua. I’m quite comfortable in my own company, however, knowing I may never quite ‘belong’ in either place can be upsetting at times. As human beings we all want to feel part of a tribe from time to time. That being said, I’m also aware of my ability to navigate both cultures and the unique perspective I have, as a result of being caught in the middle.
So far, I’ve spent the majority of my life in Luxembourg and still fly over about twice a year, hence do not feel the need to consciously ‘connect’ with Luxembourgish culture. Also, I work in a very ‘European’ environment and a significant chunk of my work and interactions with colleagues is done in German and French. As to my Caribbean culture, I’m a big fan of various music genres, including reggae, dancehall, soca and also good old calypso. I just feel it in my soul. This summer, I will be parading in Notting Hill Carnival, which has been a childhood dream of mine. I remember standing on the side of the road with my parents during Antigua’s carnival and wishing I could be part of the Mas. I also love trying authentic Caribbean food places across London. My Father is an excellent cook and made sure my brother and I knew our way around his cuisine.
I lived in Luxembourg from age 7-20 and have been to Antigua & Barbuda roughly five times in the past to visit my relatives. However, these visits never exceed two weeks. Spending more time in the Caribbean in the future, or even living there at some point is definitely big on my agenda.
My outlook on my mixed-race identity has changed growing up, especially since moving to London. I’ve done a lot of reading on race relations from colonial to current times, attended talks, exhibitions and sought out groups such as this one. The feeling that Black history was simply left out of my schooling makes me quite angry and increases my desire to educate myself as I establish myself as a young adult. More importantly, I’ve gone from being ashamed of my Black side and trying desperately to blend in, to being proud of my Caribbean heritage and regretting I wasn’t more curious about my Father and the family history back in the day.
My workplace is visibly LGBT+ inclusive, however, not very ethnically diverse. Therefore I wouldn’t necessarily feel comfortable delving into race-related conversations here. On the other hand, I have to stress that I’ve never felt harassed for who I am and the overall environment is a lot healthier than previous places I’ve worked at.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I’d want to be less confused as to who I am.