French | Indonesian
I identify as mixed French Indonesian, with French and British citizenship, and am a current resident of Amsterdam. My Mother is from Indonesia, north of Sumatra from her Mom's side and Maluku islands from her Dad's, and my Father is from Correze, a South West region of France. They met in Indonesia. I find their testimonials offer a nice blend to their shared reality. My Mom's version is that ‘a friend invited me to a party and told me French men were in town’, and my Dad said his company sent him to Indonesia for a new engineering project.
Regarding integration in the family and culture, my Mom has expressed this much more so than my Dad. As she moved to France after their marriage in Indonesia (and later on in France), she had not only to adapt to a different culture, but to one that was very specific to that region of France, in the deep countryside of the South West. I remember her sharing that she found it very difficult to integrate, as my Dad was away for long periods due to his work, and she was left feeling alone, staying at his Mom's house under a very strict way of operating, and sometimes with a period of a whole year, at a time where instant communication was just not an option.
On top of which her immediate surroundings were suddenly so different being within an area incredibly quiet, contrasting heavily with a very noisy environment where she was living in the city of Jakarta. I took away the importance of building community when you move somewhere.
Beyond their initial stages of married life, the main differences that emerged were linked to their automatic differing views; from how and what to cook for meals, to their own relationship to work and family and how that gets prioritised. What I took away was the open mindedness and further enhancing tolerance, in different ways of doing things and building bridges between different motivations to make the best of both worlds.
As I grew up across continents, there were further cultures I was influenced by. Overall I felt definitely more influenced by the French side, most likely because my Dad is the one who predominantly raised me or unconsciously imposed his culture as the norm, likely because that's mainly what he knew, for which my Mom's position was then to abide to this, and to diminish the Indonesian side to give more room to this.
In fact the first language I learned was Bahasa, but when we moved back to France MY Mom stopped speaking it so that I would not get mixed up with French. A decision that I find shameful, but understand where it was made from at the time. So now in terms of seeking balance with my other culture, I gradually grew interested in my Indonesian side in more recent years, by owning my Indonesian middle name more and using it at times, and as my interest in ethnicity and link to land blossomed.
Growing up, outside of my direct family, I felt like I had to highlight the French parts of me, and dim the Indonesian ones. Mainly because I felt it made me stand out in a way that felt like it contradicted the sense of belonging of most individuals around me during teenage years. Within my family, I felt like I was torn between different mindsets; one that seemed to be about whatever costs the least, and the other on quality and effectiveness. It's not to say that both cultures are fully represented in this aspect, but in my experience growing up, I often felt this tension between standards being at play, from a medical surgery to even buying everyday goods. Today I've chosen to find ways to keep this link to both cultures alive, and to explore multiple ways in doing so. That's how I landed working for a French company on topics related to sustainability and living in a part of Europe where the Indonesian community is prevalent.
Especially when growing up, I was scared of being judged and not feeling like I belonged. So growing up anything that would showcase I'd defer from being a skinny White woman would be diluted, such as dying my hair in a way that would challenge me having Black hair, or finding ways to hide my beauty marks, as most of the other girls wouldn't have these. Another example is when growing up, when I'd accompany my Mom at her Indonesian community gatherings, she would be wearing traditional clothes, and if we happened to cross areas of Paris where strict norms were predominant, I could sense the stares and the looks of judgement, which led me to never wanting to do the same, out of fear of not wanting to identify to anything that could provide a culture clash back then.
If I'm with people who have lived in France, I feel ashamed that I hadn't been made aware whilst growing up of specific references and of various types of typical dishes. For example, I had my first tartiflette in my early 20s and my first galette in my late teens. Or if I happened to have grown up without specific cultural references such as even having seen classic movies like Nos Jours Heureux, and not getting the key quotes from it, I was often teased for it. Same for classic behaviours of stares being done when you're saying something or behaving in a way that contradicts the norm of that crowd. All of these made me question my Frenchness. So when I lived in France I was not considered French enough, and when I visited family in Indonesia, I would be refused the same ‘local entry’ as the rest of that family because I was deemed too White, and therefore was associated to being a foreigner (even though my Mom mentioned that I was her daughter!). So this overall personal challenge around my identity was that I never fit anywhere, and gradually I decided to flip it around and challenge myself that I could in theory make a home out of any place in the world, and to an incredible extent. That's what led me to living across 100+, whether different boroughs in London, or in different regions, cities or countries in the world in the past few years. This helped me embrace diversity and to normalise what it would be like to live with individuals from different backgrounds within each one of these locations.
Following a twist to the Midnight Library, I've gradually accepted that perhaps despite wanting to live all the myriads of lives within one lifetime, perhaps time may not allow me to do so. But by connecting with others and living through someone else's story I get a chance at experiencing all these various lives. I'd like to think that through sharing your own personal story of your own mixed-race experience, you also help feed the parts that others may or may not relate to, and provide a wholesome experience across the wider spectrum of mixed-race identity.
I don't have role models but based around ethnicity, I have been enjoying individuals like Trevor Noah or Meghan Markle (name at the time) who have brought more attention to being mixed race as part of the mainstream narrative, which hadn't yet gained as much visibility within the wider identity discussion in the past years until then. Well aside from the wider racist jokes, I was often referred to as ‘exotic’ or ‘different’, or just ‘not really French’ with an added ‘you know what I mean’. Hearing those words led me to feeling like I had to further educate others, and I've never enjoyed any of those.
I have a fascination around Latino culture, even if I'm aware this includes a lot of variety within this one culture. There just seems to be such closeness at a community level that brings a sense of warmth and joy that has stood out from my experience. In my background specifically I connect most to the warmth and kindness of the Indonesian way of being, the sense of independence and ambition, coupled with community & that having both rice and bread for every meal is acceptable.
My name is very French, but I've rarely encountered anyone at work who would even be able to point out that I'm of mixed-heritage, even though this may be questioned once I speak with an American accent for example.