French | Algerian (BHF Personal Assistant)
My Mom is Algerian, and my Dad is French. My Dad worked for a computer magazine with my Mom's sister, one day he bumped into her and my Mom when they were going to have lunch together. They didn't get together straight away though. The only food restrictions we had were due to my sister and I, and our fussy eating habits (mostly mine). My Mom's culinary habits have never been confined to one country, so we ate equal amounts of French and Algerian food, and also food from other countries as she is a very very curious person and keen to try a lot of things, so I grew up eating foods from all over really.
My Mom's family visited a lot, we went to Algiers every summer to see our cousins and extended family. My Mom isn't particularly religious, so we mostly participated in the celebrations. We would time our visits for the end of Ramadan and help with the preparations for Eid. I say that, but mostly, my help was trying to sneak sweets. My Aunts and my Nan used to make me really lovely traditional Kabyle dresses for special occasions. It stopped when I got older because the fabrics are expensive, and the designs are quite intricate for adults.
We also celebrated Easter and Christmas, as my Mom didn't want us to feel left out. It was never done religiously; we just kept the chocolate/gifts and the occasion for a special family meal. We didn't do All Saints day for example, because we're not Christians so it wasn't for us, but we did Shrove Tuesday (who passes on a day of pancakes?) and ‘Kings Day’, which means eating an almond pie with a token in it, whoever finds it becomes king/queen for the day. I suspiciously got the crown every time. Our family tradition at Christmas is that we never cook the same meal than the previous years, we cook everything together, and we make chocolate truffles.
My paternal Grandmother grew up in Romania, but we rarely brought that into our lives culturally speaking, aside from my Nan's chocolate and raspberry jam cake, made with her garden's raspberries. She was born in France, she went to a French school in Romania, so she felt more French than Romanian I think. She never cared about going back. I feel some vague tie to it. My Mom’s family all spoke French, so I never felt the need to learn Arabic. I deeply regret this now as I can't participate in conversations. I feel I missed out on closer relationships with family members.
My parents both love classical music, so that was the main thing we listened to, and the second one was Bob Marley because their musical tastes are too widely different to agree on anything else. We did listen to Fairuz and North African music at home, my Mom loves chaabi. Rai was popular when I was growing up, and I liked Cheb Khaled A LOT, I have put my family through a lot of listening to Didi when it came on the radio. It's not a great song, but I was little, and I liked the trumpets.
My parents tried to keep our upbringing as open as possible, so we wouldn't miss out. On my Father's side, the most important thing is to know where we came from, and where we have been. On my Mother's side, you have to add code switching with the family members that don't live in France, because Algeria is different, and you have to adapt to it. At times it feels like I'm wearing Algerian culture like a costume or colonising a part of myself.
I do think my culture affects how I choose friends and partners, but more in the sense that I look for people with whom I have common ground on important things. So it's more related to my upbringing than my cultures.
I've hidden the fact that I am half Algerian at times, because of racism, and told people later on, when I knew I was safe. I eventually got tired of the whole ‘oh, I don't like them but you're okay’ mentality, so I started telling people earlier, to give them a chance to back out of the interaction without putting us both through something unpleasant. Although, as a general rule, I don't disclose my origins to strangers unless it's relevant or important to the conversation.
My parents had a hard time being a mixed-race couple in France. My Father's parents weren't keen, and they worried that Algeria might be dangerous. My Mom's parents weren't thrilled either, but my Mom has always been known to march to the beat of her own drum, so I think they went with it a bit easier. My personal view is that people love who they love, but I do feel that a lot of parents are not prepared for the life their children will have. They don't know what to do when their children are faced with racism or discrimination, and sometimes don't recognise that their children will not have the same privileges they had because society will class them as a person of colour and treat them accordingly. Sometimes they don't know simply how to manage their hair or pronounce their names, and I feel it must be terribly damaging for the children.
I'm White passing, people often assume I'm Italian or just French. It can be a bonus in a world where Islam is being abused as a reason to murder others, but I wish I could just be myself without fear. Sometimes when I tell people their demeanour changes and they seem angry, like I tricked them? I once had a manager that stopped liking my work after I told them, and I had to prove myself harder when everything had been great until I said something.
People often hide how they feel, after a breakup with a particularly toxic man, he called me a racial slur. I was so shocked I laughed. Most people don't care though, but some will ask questions about culture, and food and Algeria, and it's always nice to be able to share a little bit. I have visited both of my native countries, I even lived in France. We used to go to Algeria very regularly, but in the 90s things started to get heated with the civil war. So, we stopped going for nearly ten years because it wasn't safe. We've tried to be more regular with our visits, but COVID threw a spanner in the works, who knows when I'll be able to go back or what that will look like.
As a teenager I tried to make sense of it because I thought I had to choose an affiliation, which made me suffer terribly. I was trying to section parts of me and live off of one of the sections alone. You can't do that. It's taken a long time for me to reintegrate myself, and but it's an ongoing process, and I hope that I'll eventually feel completely at ease within both worlds.
I think we're lucky in that the BHF is a pretty open place to work. Although it is predominantly a White space, so there can always be improvements. It's hard to step out of your own privilege and prejudice to see them for what they are. I know because I've had to take some serious time to dismantle my own privilege and internalised racism, and it's still a work in progress. I think there's a general misconception there, that once we've done the right things, it will all be fixed when it's actually a continuous work of improvement. This is something the BHF is making good efforts towards actually. I do have a ‘big problem’, but it really isn't specific to my workplace, it's the government guidelines on compassionate leave, not only are the allocated times very short, but there are no provisions made for non-Christian cultures. When my Grandfather passed, I technically was only entitled to two days of compassionate leave, but he was Muslim, so the funeral took place over three days, and I had travelled to see him, using a day already. I believe in Judaism the mourning period is 7 days, so a Jewish colleague might have to use annual leave for this. Of course there are allowances made by managers in a compassionate manner, but this leaves people at the mercy of a manager that might not understand or be prejudiced against their culture.
White allies and White passing people need to use their privilege to highlight inequality and fight for change. I think we need to move from ‘tolerance’ to ‘radical inclusion’ and start asking uncomfortable questions about racial equality at work. It's hard work, but we would all benefit from it in the long run.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would want to return as a cat. All they do is eat, sleep, play, sleep some more and climb trees, I want in! But if I had to be a person, I would like to be someone who tans this time, being a North African person that can't go in the sun is just wrong.
During the pandemic I have group chats with family members and friends. we play games online, we catch up as often as we can, and we try to visit each other in small groups to keep social and busy. I've joined online art classes as well, it's super fun.