English | Nigerian
My parents met when working on a bar on a boat in central London during the 1980’s.
I know stories from my Mum's culture and background and have also been fortunate enough to have had a close relationship with my maternal Grandparents my whole life so I have learnt a lot about their histories. When my parents were together, my Mum tried hard to learn to embrace Nigerian culture, and encouraged me when I was very young. My Mum tells me about times she tried pepper stew and tripe and other Nigerian foods at my Nigerian Grandmother’s house years ago.
I have always felt a lot closer to my White English culture. The reason for this is because my Mum and Dad had an extremely tense relationship when they were together and they broke up when I was very young, which ultimately resulted in me having no relationship with my Dad for most of life. Because of this, my Dad also stopped me from seeing the rest of my Nigerian family, so a huge part of my cultural heritage was cut off; this was devastating. As I’ve entered my adult life I have made a point of trying to understand and learn more about Nigerian culture and heritage. I enjoy the food immensely and have tried to make up for lost time and missing out on learning this as a child.
It was tough growing up and I was confused and unhappy about being mixed-race for many years. I also was quite fearful of Black men in particular as I couldn't help but make negative associations with my Father and his aggressive behaviour. It’s been something I’ve massively struggled with but I have done a lot of work to come to terms with it now as an adult. There has been a lot of trauma attached to my early understanding of my Black side which meant I subconsciously rejected it whilst I was going through a particularly troubled teenage period. Having therapy and doing lots of work on myself has meant that I now feel a lot more positive about my mixed-race identity but it’s also given me the motivation to share my story and support others who may have gone through similar experiences. I feel like I got used to feeling culturally isolated within my extended family up until I was in my late teens. In my mind I felt very ‘White’ but my skin colour tells a different story.
Co-writing my play Marble Cake last year with my friend Nathan has changed me in a huge way. It’s been such an intense experience bringing so much of myself and my personal experiences to the surface and to bring these to the stage, for people to watch and critique, has felt like opening my heart up for everyone to see all of the suffering I faced in a very raw way. It’s been cathartic in ways I couldn’t have imagined and it’s helped me to feel so much more ok with my journey as people have shown great empathy and understanding towards me because of it.
I would say that it’s ok to feel confused and not know where to place yourself within or between your cultures. People from multiple ethnic backgrounds often have an unclear and uncertain journey with regards to learning about themselves and feelings of frustration and confusion can be a huge part of that. Getting to a place where you feel comfortable in your own skin can often take time and it’s a process so try not to judge yourself or let comments from others penetrate too deeply and distract you from your own self discovery, although I appreciate that sometimes this is easier said than done. Getting older and maturing has definitely helped me.
I don’t use my Nigerian name, nor have I done for a long time, because of negative associations with my Father. My birth certificate and legal name does contain Nigerian names which I don’t use.
My Mum is my role model because she has faced so much adversity in her life, but has remained a constant support of protection and support to me despite all of this and ultimately she has my back in a way that no one else does.
Growing up the term ‘half-caste’ was used towards me on occasions. I reject this term profusely as it makes me feel like less than a full person. People sometimes compliment me on my ‘colouring’ and I find this problematic as it relates to the term ‘coloured’ which is historically offensive. It also connects to the exoticisation that people with darker skin often face. I love how culturally rich India is as a country, and whenever I meet Indian people, from whichever religion, ethnic group or region, I nearly always hear, see and sense their culture shining through. I think my politeness & manners comes from my British side and my confidence comes from my Nigerian side.
I often feel like people with mixed ethnicities are not accurately represented as often people find it awkward or don’t know how to deal with or discuss mixed heritage. Overall, my educational and professional institutions have been mostly supportive and haven’t ostracised me but I also feel like there is more that can be done to explain and discuss the complexity of this identity.I make a point of trying to find Afro hair products that work well on my hair and also discovering Nigerian foods. I learnt how to make jollof rice in lockdown and I would like to learn how to make more Nigerian dishes.