English | Moroccan
My Dad is from Morocco and Mum is English. They met when my Mum was on holiday in Morocco, my Dad worked in his family florist in the market in Tangier. He thought she was beautiful so gave her a free rose. When she had to go back to England they wrote letters for a year and met a couple times until he moved to England and they married. I know it sounds a bit cringe but they're happily together to this day so it clearly worked!
I would say my Dad's culture was more prominent in my upbringing. I was brought up as Muslim and ate a lot of Moroccan food, however my Mum doesn't speak Arabic and so I spoke English growing up and went to an English school which meant I had a conflict when growing up that was sometimes challenging. I felt conflicted between my school and peers, my Dad, and my Mum who was very neutral.
Growing up I also was pressured into being 'more British' at school, I was too young and insecure to stand up for myself and what I knew was right and so I was shamed into hiding, minimising my mixed heritage. However now it is one of my favourite things about myself, I am so proud of my heritage. It has opened my eyes to so many new ways of living and thinking which I couldn't imagine not having. I also feel a greater sense of community now and with my Moroccan identity than my British side, something I never imagined possible.
In the last year I have met so many people like me through some Arabic arts groups I am part of and it has been wonderfully uplifting. It has made me feel part of a community and so proud of my heritage. However, there are others who often assume I am fully English which makes me feel erased and like half of my identity has been ignored. I have experienced Islamophobia heavily growing up which made me hold a lot of shame within my identity, that I no longer feel now but still have to manage the side effects off.
I used to go to Morocco every summer growing up and spend time with my family, I loved it. I wanted to go back last year because it had been 5 years, but due to covid I haven’t been able to go back. I am hoping to go before the end of the year / early next year because I miss them a lot. I am also learning Arabic and so I want to visit to stay for a few weeks so I can solidify my learning.
I really believe we need to acknowledge our privileges and get off of our defensive pedestals. I have a lot of privilege because I appear White, which means I have luxuries other mixed Moroccan/British people won't have because of their darker complexion. I think being aware of these in the first place is so important, and instead of becoming defensive about this information, use it to spread awareness and lift the voices of those who are less heard. Also the emotional imbalance in these discussions needs to be acknowledged and people need to have these conversations with open listening minds and compassion.
If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would want to be exactly as I am, however I would love to be brought up in Morocco or be able to spend more time there to really see how my life could be on the flip side of the coin, if my British side was the distant half of myself growing up.
The pandemic was certainly hard, I was in the middle of training at drama school which had to come to a halt and so I conducted 6 months of my training by Zoom in my family 'bedroom' (a box room my Mum had changed into a wardrobe) with my ironing board for a desk. So I taught myself to edit and started writing. I have found creativity and have been able to write my own sketches and short films. It has been so healing and enabled me to channel my energy into something. I make pieces all about connection and joy as a form of escapism. I have also gotten into running and walking without my phone or headphones, so I can escape from technology.