English | Malaysian
I am a bi-racial, heterosexual, cisgender woman who was born in Canada and raised in a traditional Malaysian household. My Dad was from Liverpool and my Mom is from Malaysia (with Sri Lankan roots). They both immigrated to Canada in the 1980s where they met, and where I was born and raised.
Malaysian culture is just so strong, so my Dad had to be very strategic about how he integrated his culture in their relationship. He did still manage but also came up against not only my Mom, but her very large, loud and loving Malaysian family. There was also an element of both of them having recently immigrated to Canada and feeling the need to really preserve their culture in a new environment. My Mom definitely had a harder time with this as the Malaysian culture was much farther from ‘the norm’ than my Dad’s British culture. However, growing up I was definitely raised as a Malaysian child first and foremost!
I think we are quite lucky to live in a society where interracial relationships are more widely accepted (and hopefully celebrated) than they were when my parents got married. My Mom has a dark complexion and I remember her speaking about how she would get strange looks from people when she’d go out, for example to dinner with my Dad (a very tall, very White man). This was in the ‘80s and I would like to think (hope!) that we’ve moved on from damaging experiences like this, while still recognising we still have some collective learning to do as a society.
Family is such a large part of Malaysian culture and it was always something I valued in choosing a partner. That being said, my family also wished for my partner to fit the standard doctor/lawyer/engineer profile which was never important to me. My partner is a tattoo artist so I couldn’t have found a more opposite ‘ideal man’ to be with – and thankfully now that they’ve gotten to know and love him that also doesn’t matter to them either!
I think now we also have more widespread movement of people around the world whether it’s for travel or immigration, and that brings the experience of new cultures for all involved. My generation are generally more open-minded when it comes to interracial relationships than my parents/grandparents generation; love is love!
I am very lucky to have a family spread out across the globe given that both of my parents were immigrants to Canada. This means that I can stay with family (instead of in a hotel) when I travel, and if you know me, you’ll know I love to travel. I’m very lucky to have these circumstances.
Also, the fact that I was raised in Canada was a whole privileged experience in itself! So many people of my generation are the first in their family to be born in the country, and I grew up in a melting pot of nationalities from around the world. I felt we had an opportunity to represent our diverse cultures (albeit sometimes challenging) in a way that is very unique to Canada. Despite our differences, so many of us were connected through that shared experience of immigration. It’s different in London, while statistically it’s very diverse, the British culture is still a strong current that dictates societal norms and doesn’t necessarily allow people from other backgrounds to be their ‘whole selves’. Growing up I had thought my cultural experience in Canada was the same in other places with similar expressions of diversity. Only when I left home did I realise that this wasn’t the case, and only then could I truly appreciate the unique environment I’d grown up in.
I also feel that being mixed-race has allowed me to connect with people from a wider range of backgrounds. Sharing lived experience is not the same as trying to understand it. You either experienced it or you didn’t, and that creates stronger bonds with people who have similar backgrounds to you. I am definitely a people person and get a lot of my energy from making connections with others, so this is a really valuable aspect for me.
The first thing that comes to mind when I think of challenges is skin colour; not necessarily my own skin colour but how this aspect is a source of marginalisation for People of Colour. I am noticeably lighter skinned than the majority of my family and growing up as a child I didn’t understand what this meant. I remember travelling outside of Canada with my Mom, and at border security they told my Mom to step away and asked me privately if she was ‘really my Mom’. I didn’t understand what was happening at the time, but years later I came to understand that they thought my Mom was kidnapping me; a White child with a Brown Mother raised a red flag. I need to be grateful that my skin colour and appearance have been a source of privilege in my life, especially in comparison to how I’ve seen other members of my Malaysian family treated in White-dominated environments. But something that’s maybe less talked about or people are less aware of, is that of lived family trauma and the impact that has on children. I was most likely not a target of racism and prejudice that my family experienced, but I certainly shared the pain and damage that those events caused. And that is a very confusing feeling to make sense of, when you don’t look like someone who would normally be a target for racism or prejudice.
Also, trying to establish a sense of belonging is another big challenge as a mixed-race person. I’m not ‘brown’ enough to fully integrate with my Malaysian side, and I’m not ‘white’ enough to fit in with my British side. I’ve realised this is something I’m always going to live with, but I do have the power to reframe the issue. Instead of thinking that I don’t belong anywhere, I try now to think that I belong everywhere. In my journey, this shift has to do a lot with confidence and it’s taken a lot of personal development to get to this stage (and if I’m being honest, I still struggle at times).
I grew up in a very Malaysian-dominated household but always maintained curiosity about the English part of my identity. When I was 20 I decided to relocate to the UK and learn more about my English heritage. Being immersed in British culture made me start to understand why my Dad acted in certain ways, and the experience as a whole has been an important part of my personal development.
The way I connect to my Malaysian culture is through food! My partner could not understand how I could eat fried noodles for breakfast, but now that he’s tried it, he’s hooked. Food is also an important thing that brings our family together, family being a cornerstone of Malaysian culture. When we get together as a family, it’s all about everyone chipping in to create a meal that we can share and celebrate with each other. Food brings us together, and Malaysian food is the best! When I was growing up, I used to visit Malaysia quite regularly. We still have a lot of family there so we had good reason to go back. We also have other family members who had immigrated to other parts of the world, and meeting back in Malaysia was our place for reunion. I had never actually visited the UK until I relocated here, but I’ve had lots of time to explore since then.
Both experiences have been incredibly beneficial in understanding my identity. Being born in Canada, I grew up trying to navigate 3 cultures and applying those cultural norms to my daily life. Being immersed in your parents’ culture by visiting their home countries brings a lot of clarity around their behaviours, and equally develops respect for who they are as individuals.
When I was younger I didn’t fully understand the complexity of what it meant to be bi-racial. I remember the first time I heard the term in high school, and I realised - oh, I guess that’s me! That was probably the first time I had the awareness to identify myself in that way. I was the first mixed-race person in my family so the conversation never really came up with my parents and loved ones. I did a lot of identity searching on my own with input from both sides of my family, and have gone through phases of confusion, isolation, anger, curiosity, self-awareness and finally appreciation. I hope that as time goes on, my self-awareness and the appreciation for who I am as a biracial person grows. And I hope that by sharing my experience openly, other mixed-race people can relate and take comfort in knowing someone else shares what they’ve experienced and felt.
If I were born again, I wouldn’t necessarily change anything about myself – I’m not perfect by any means but I like who I am. Instead, I would choose to change the environment I was born into. If I could wave a magic wand, I would be born into a society where individuality is not used as a tool to marginalise people whether it’s their race, gender, sexual orientation, or any other protected characteristic. I would want to be born into a world where the things that make us different are instead celebrated, where we can appreciate the value that these differences bring to all aspects of our society. I would want to return to a place where people can feel free and safe to be their whole selves no matter where they are, at home, at work, with friends, or with strangers. This may sound utopian in the current context, but you know what, anything is possible!