English/Irish | Iranian
My Mum is half Irish half English, my Dad is Iranian. My Mum was renting a shared house with some of my Dad's friends in Leeds. He came round to see them, liked my Mum and asked her out. My Dad was in England to study and the plan was for him to return to Iran. Then the revolution happened and his family felt he would have a better life in England, so he stayed. My Dad was still learning English when he met my Mum and I would love to be able to watch their first dates. They are from such different families but they worked.
I did not know I was mixed-race when I was younger, it was all I knew and I looked fully English. It felt the norm to me to have parents from different cultures whilst growing up. I only recognised the differences in their cultures during my teenage years. People would always comment on my ‘crazy last name’ and ask questions as it didn't marry up with how I looked. I find this really fascinating as my partner who is also half Iranian looks very Middle Eastern. People therefore don't ask him about his Iranian surname as they assume he is not English, whereas because I am ‘interesting because you look so English’, I find myself explaining my background multiple times a day. This does not bother me, but I find it so interesting that I get this question and probably would not if I looked more Middle Eastern. My experience of being mixed-race and older is one that, if I did not tell someone my name, would not exist to others. I only have one experience that made me feel prejudiced by my background which makes me incredibly privileged and I would never say that being mixed-race has disadvantaged me in any way.
My Dad is not traditional and does not celebrate the Iranian festivities, I was also not brought up in a community that did. We did however often eat Iranian food and travelled to Iran and I still crave this and regularly eat our food. I also feel a lot of what it is to be Iranian is how we interact and just are as people. I think I embody some of this; I HATE my friends paying for anything with me (I can't help but taarof) and I am warm and loyal. As I have grown older, I want to celebrate things such as Norooz (Iranian New Year) and I actively do. Having an Iranian partner has meant I have been even more engaged in the culture as his Dad is more traditional than mine. We will go round to his on a Sunday for a family meal of Koobideh and I love this; it makes me feel at home. I can chomp on a raw onion or gherkin without anyone batting an eyelid!
I look very British, although when people know I have a Middle Eastern Father they start to find features in me that pass as Iranian. Growing up I don't think I acknowledged that I was of mixed heritage, again it felt the norm to have the combination of my Mum and Dad and to have my very different name. We even simplified my surname for primary and high school as not to cause ‘difficulty; throughout my childhood. It was only when I got to my mid-twenties that I felt this overwhelming feeling of wanting to connect with my Iranian side. I don't speak Farsi or look typically Iranian which makes me feel a bit of a fraud when trying to say I'm Iranian, so I have struggled with it a bit and find myself trying to justify WHY I am allowed to engage in Iranian culture. I am now proudly Iranian and find myself wanting to talk about this with people, seeking out Iranian events and of course attending the recent protests following the death of Mahsa Amini.
I felt more isolated when having to prove my Iranian-ness at the protests. I was thanked by a stranger for showing my support there and I felt my back go up immediately and a sudden need to explain my mixed background. I wanted to look more Iranian in that situation to show my solidarity with my Iranian people. I have also had the same situation when at a party with a group of Iranians. They insinuated my sister and I were ‘not Iranian enough’ because we did not speak the language and did not look ethnically Iranian. This upset me.
I think not looking like I am of mixed heritage has made me frustrated at times. I wholeheartedly acknowledge my privilege as a White passing woman and I have never experienced discrimination (apart from when someone sees my name before my face; my name is very Iranian and long), but I find myself feeling the need to explain to people and proudly parade my heritage so they know, especially when I am around other Middle Eastern or Iranian people. It can be quite confusing.
I submitted an essay at university and was told to improve on my English language, I believe they assumed English was not my first language based on my name. This hurt a bit when I realised the reasoning behind it but ultimately, I laughed and disregarded the comment. I am lucky this is the only time I have felt this way, I know that. I would be a White British woman to anyone who knew me as ‘Ellie’ until I volunteer my background (which I now do). I love it, and I now make a conscious effort to engage with this part of my culture. The sad part about this for me is that I used to go to Iran as a child (when it was safer) and now I do not have this option given the country's instability and my dual nationality. I find it sad that I know I would lap up the experience and feel so excited to go back to my roots there, but do not have the option. My immediate family have also now either died or left Iran and sought asylum in Canada, so I sadly feel like my connections there have died out. I find this desperately upsetting, as if my roots are fading away, hence my drive to connect with them regularly. Having an Iranian partner has been so comforting for me and I love that we can relate to the nuances that come with being half Iranian; whether that be our Dads taarofing or my snacking on pumpkin seeds or a mini cucumber in the evening! We both just get it.
I suppose not being allowed to fly through America without an embassy meeting, simply because of my dual Iranian-British nationality was isolating. I was stuck in Colombia, unable to take my flight home, and I was upset. My British friends managed to get home and I did not. I ultimately bought another flight to avoid America but I was baffled that they would feel the need to ‘vet’ me and this hurt and angered me.
I have also had colleagues tell me that they will ‘just abbreviate’ my name, as it is too difficult to say to patients; this is annoying and rude.
I think growing up and realising my background, I started to grow prouder and more engaged in my mixed heritage. I wouldn't say there was a specific experience that shaped me, but as I have developed as an adult and woman, I have definitely found a drive to want to explore my heritage and be as involved as I can in my Iranian side. I think this has taken my Dad by surprise a bit as we were brought up in a predominately White British community, where it didn't feel like we explored this much and I personally don't feel I identified as mixed (although my Dad’s friends are all Iranian, I went to Iran and ate the food regularly). Again, confusing.
I advise those with mixed heritage to explore your background, lap it up, ask the questions, find your community and remember that is just as much part of you as your other ‘half’. Feel no shame in identifying as both sides and do what you need and want to do to feel comfortable with this. It can be confusing and conflicting feeling you're sort of between two cultures, but ultimately, I feel so lucky to have my unique experience and am incredibly proud of my heritage.
I connect to my cultures though the richness of history and culture (poetry, art, Persian rugs, architecture, music). Also, the generosity, loyalty and hospitable nature (if an Iranian has your back, they have your back, in my experience), and of course the FOOD.
My English and Iranian Grandparents were amazingly forward thinking for people of their generation and there were no issues with Mum marrying Dad, which I was so happy to hear. The cultural differences are still apparent, but why wouldn't they be. Saying this, I wouldn't have it any other way and am grateful for my mixed culture upbringing.
I find aspects of many people inspiring; this usually comes in the format of an independent, driven and open-minded woman. I definitely don't have a specific role model who fits into my cultural mix, I am not sure if this is because I just haven't come across anyone who I relate to? My Grandmother is amazing. She is 89, White British, she travels to different countries every year to volunteer, she feeds her best friend in a care home with dementia at lunch time, she is open minded and accepted my parents marriage for what it was; happiness and love, which was rare in her generation, and she is strong-willed and kind. Her and my Grandfather were sitting on roads in Romania before they had children, giving out care packages. This was not ‘the norm’ when they were younger, or even now! I am now a doctor specialising in care of the elderly, perhaps subconsciously she was my role model all along.
In the dating world, I seemed suddenly much more appealing to men when they realise I am mixed heritage. I have had the ‘ethnically ambiguous’, ‘exotic’, ‘interesting’ terms used on me a lot. I feel guilty that I fit into the White ‘box’ but then can simultaneously be viewed as ‘more interesting’ as soon as I give my name. I work in an ethnically diverse area of London as a doctor. I love that I can relate to those of Muslim or Middle Eastern background but I also know that many doctors have experienced racism at work and this has never happened to me. I suppose I feel I can adapt and I am really privileged to be able to do this. I love to try and understand other people's cultures, perhaps because I have had experience of trying to understand my own. I see beauty in parts of most cultures I have come across. I feel parallels between the Iranian culture and South Asian culture in the way that elders are respected, loyalty to family and friends and the hospitable culture.
I work in the NHS which is a diverse workforce and I love this. In my experience there is good representation. I cannot speak for the more managerial roles but day to day I am surrounded by people from other countries and cultures and I appreciate this so much. In terms of whether I am recognised as of mixed-heritage I would say on the whole no. The countless times I have had to say ‘yes that’s me’ when someone sees documentation in my name but does not think it could be me, because I simply do not look as if that would be me. The surprise and the questions asked is interesting. Until someone has asked the question or seen my name, I am a White British woman, to all those who encounter me.
I found writing this almost therapeutic. My overriding feeling is guilt for suggesting I have had conflicting times as a mixed woman. I know I have not experienced marginalisation or discrimination as I am at face value a White British woman to those who meet me. But I suppose writing this has shown me that it is okay to feel that way, it is unique to be brought up in a mixed family and what I feel is allowed and understandable.
In the dating world, I seemed suddenly much more appealing to men when they realise I am mixed heritage. People would always comment on my ‘crazy last name’ and ask questions as it didn't marry up with how I looked. I find this really fascinating as my partner who is also half Iranian looks very Middle Eastern. People therefore don't ask him about his Iranian surname as they assume he is not English, whereas because I am ‘interesting because you look so English’, I find myself explaining my background multiple times a day. This does not bother me, but I find it so interesting that I get this question and probably would not if I looked more Middle Eastern.