English | Goan (Indian)
I identify as mixed-race; English and Goan. My Mum is from North Yorkshire and my Dad was born in Kenya, grew up in Mumbai but is Goan. I was asked a few years ago where they met and found it a weird question because to me the answer was obvious: they met in London. My Dad travelled over from Mumbai, and my Mum moved down with the family. They noticed each other over a North London train platform and eventually bumped into each other and chatted on their respective walks to the station.
I find it quite fun to tell people that my Mum is White with Blue eyes and Blonde hair; the shock factor is great and I love that on paper you wouldn’t match me up with my parents, but in person I’m an exact combination of them. My brother and I like to describe ourselves as ‘Hovis Best of Both’. My Mum seems to think she’s a Goan; she has developed more of the Asian stereotypes than my Dad, demands we go to Goa every year and can cook delicious curries thanks to my Goan Grandma. On a serious level, the food is unbelievable and makes my mouth water just thinking about the spicy, vinegary, yumminess.
I didn’t know many mixed-race people in my schools and was always really proud of my heritage. I did find, however, that people wanted to put me in a metaphorical box. To figure me out so they could know where to place me. When I would describe myself as ‘English and Goan’, people often would say ‘so, you’re Indian’. Although I am half Indian in the broader scale, Goan’s have their own food, culture and language and although I embrace that Goa is a part of India, I love being specifically Goan. It is really difficult to explain Goa's history without people automatically deciding I'm Portuguese. The Portuguese ruled Goa for four and a half centuries and this has left it with a beautiful blend of cultures. However, the second I say that to someone who doesn't know much about India's history, they label me as Portuguese. Just because you might think I look Southern European that doesn't mean I am, Goan’s were there long before European invasions, and if you saw my Dad you wouldn't think I'm Portuguese.
It can sometimes be upsetting to have to have someone ask where I’m from. It feels like they are erasing or diluting my culture and identity. When I am trying to get them to understand who I am, all they want to do is simplify me into something they can relate to. Some people just want a simple answer so they can link your look to your heritage, ‘you look this way so you must be from there’, but it's not as simple as that. I think being mixed-race has really taught me to listen to how people identify and not argue their identity away because it can be a painful and hurtful experience.
Growing up, colour, race and heritage were never really mentioned in my house. It was something that seemed completely irrelevant; my Mum’s White and my Dad’s Brown - cool. It was only until recently I ever knew that they had experienced racism and threats when they were dating. Though I never thought about my heritage until my early teens, I always found myself associating with the POC on TV. The Black member of the girl band or the East Asian actor in that film. I was obsessed with Jasmine (Aladdin) and Esmerelda (The Hunchback of Notre Dame) because they were strong, brave and looked like me. To have these characters that I idolised fitting into a category I saw myself in was incredible to a young me. So, although I may not have actively thought about it much, I was clearly aware that I was different to my White friends. I never felt different in a bad way though, I loved it. My family and I try to go to Goa most years and I see it as my home second only to London. We still have family and friends there and sponsor children at a charity so there is a huge emotional and sentimental pull. It also happens to be beautiful, hot and have (in my opinion) the best food in the world. I used to go to Yorkshire a lot when I was young too and people were always surprised when my white cousins would introduce me as their relative. I never took offence though; it was nice to be a part of broadening minds.
I think the only thing that has changed about my outlook on being mixed is my understanding of it. I have always had a massive sense of pride in my uniqueness and have learned more about my heritage year on year.
Identity can be a tricky thing. As an actor it’s very important to be self-aware and have a good understanding of yourself and how others perceive you. I have always recognised myself as a mixed-race person and would describe myself as Brown whilst others would describe me as ‘tanned’. In the industry, people who look like me have been referred to as ‘ethnically ambiguous’ or ‘racially vague’, and it’s hard to know how to take that. Is that good because I can play lots of roles? Or is that bad because you don’t recognise my race as being relevant and convenient enough for this story? How much of a compliment is it to be told I don’t look like I’m from where I’m from? I have been told by fellow Indians that I am White and been brought to tears when being laughed at for disagreeing with this, however, I have often found myself being the ‘token’ in work I’ve done. It gets confusing at times. I sometimes catch myself trying to live up to other people’s expectations of me and make my heritage more accessible to them in order to avoid the dreaded ‘where are you from? No, where are you FROM?’ conversation.
I rarely saw people with my mix on TV and barely thought I even had a chance in the industry until I was being seen for roles with other heritages. I realised this was hugely normalised and that I couldn't expect to come across a character with my own mix. It was very disheartening and there are so many actors who just have to grin and bear it. The first role I played that fit with my heritage was written by me. It was only in the last year or so that I discovered casting breakdowns which acknowledged my mix and other White and Asian mixes. There are also a lot more callouts for actors of any ethnicity, where they don’t care what colour the actor is, as long as they’re good. Our society is full of beautiful mixed-race couples and I hope to see that represented more in the media, not only White and POC mixes but couples that are both from different ethnic backgrounds.
I read this whole thing out to my mum and her first question was ‘did you ever wish you weren’t mixed-race?’, unsurprisingly my answer was ‘OBVIOUSLY NOT’. I think that as mixed-race people we are unique and blessed. We get to experience multiple cultures, empathise with others who share in our experiences and have a greater insight into race and identity as a whole. If others don’t understand then they’re missing out on our beautiful, collective uniqueness. I have the taste buds of a Goan, the humour of a Northerner, the politeness of a Brit and the soul of a proud, mixed-race woman.
During the pandemic there have definitely been ups and downs. My industry is really struggling and although I am one of the lucky ones to currently be in a contract, not working definitely gives you time to think and overthink! Being with family, my partner (and cats!) helps hugely as well as discussing my mental health with friends. Tai chi has been a random helpful addition and of course watching films and TV is my absolute saving grace.
The powerful movements surrounding race & identity at the moment are incredibly encouraging and I hope it's not naive of me to think that this time it actually could stick. It has definitely made me focus more on my heritage and recognise some of the things that I've unknowingly suppressed for years. As mixed-race people we very commonly experience a feeling of non-belonging. I've never felt that within myself but reactions from others have often caused me to feel separate from cultures that I associate myself with. In the past, when I would say ‘I’m mixed-race’, people would say ‘no you’re not, you’re not White and Black; that’s mixed-race’. It was difficult at times feeling I had to justify to others that I am a mixed-race POC. Unfortunately in a way I feel this more at the moment than ever but even throughout these misunderstandings or perhaps miseducation’s, my deeply ingrained pride in my heritage has never wavered. This time has allowed more conversations to be had and I think people are more open to understanding our experiences no matter the shade of our skin.