English | English/Malaysian/Hong Kong Chinese
I’d identify myself as British, Malaysian and Hong Kong Chinese, atheist, and queer. My Mum is English and my Father is mixed English, Malaysian and Hong Kong Chinese. They met at a party in south London, which is where I was born.
My parents always celebrated Chinese New Year with us, having a big feast, reading the new year story, and going to China town to watch the parade. However as my Father’s been out of the picture for most of my life it was mostly up to my Mum to keep my connection to my Chinese heritage alive, which she’s always maintained a commitment to doing. My Father always told us that we are descended from the last emperor of China, which in hindsight I don’t think is true, but as a little girl made me feel like a Chinese princess and special not less for being different. I think if she hadn’t done so I might feel less Chinese or more British, which might have made me a completely different person. My Mum took my father’s Chinese surname and has experienced some discrimination from that despite being a White woman, and whilst her experiences are valid we’ve definitely clashed over the nuances of this issue.
I think interracial relationships today are becoming the norm, especially in big cities like London where there’s a lot of cultural diversity. Although they’re definitely more widely accepted in social attitudes and the law, there’s still some pervasive views that can be pretty problematic, like mixed couples having to stand for something or serve a wider societal purpose other than being two people in love. I remember a London taxi driver once quizzing me on my heritage and waxing lyrical about how mixed couples are the future for making a stronger genetic race, comparing mixed people to mongrel dogs with better temperaments. I don’t think his intentions were malicious but I left the conversation feeling pretty small and very offended, which was compounded by the fact that as a woman alone in a taxi at night I worried about compromising my safety by speaking up for myself or disagreeing.
I wouldn’t say my culture plays a part in choosing my partner, but I’ve definitely experienced being the subject of plenty of White men’s yellow fever, so I’m always wary of that when dating a White guy. Even amongst ‘woke’ White men there can be a degree of fetishisation which can come out in subtle ways that they simply cannot see or deny because I’m mixed and White passing. Dating mixed people means that there’s a degree of mutual understanding when it comes to the race questions, and can save a lot of emotional labour, but I’d never choose a partner on this basis. I’m lucky enough to be with someone now who is an intersectional feminist and loves me for me, not my ‘exotic’ heritage, or ‘oriental’ features.
I think the sense of community that comes from being mixed-race is one of the most positive experiences. I’ve recently attended theatre and drag events where Asian and mixed Asian women are reclaiming their stories which have been untold, (or told by a White guy) for so long, and seeing my experiences finally represented and validated onstage and chatting with the women afterwards has been incredibly emotional and liberating.
Whilst I fully acknowledge my White passing privilege, which I have benefited from, I think there’s the view that mixed people can’t suffer marginalisation, which is completely untrue. Some of the biggest challenges I’ve experienced around my mixed identity has been the fetishisation, being tokenised in educational institutions, and then consequently struggling to see myself as a whole person and separate my sense of self from my cultural identity (which I’ve come to realise is neither possible nor necessarily aspirational). I also experienced racial slurs for the first time when I moved from south London to rural Norfolk as a child, which was definitely a shock to the system going from being seen as the White kid in a massively diverse south London classroom to the ethnic kid in a majority White school. Additionally, there’s a lot of expectations on people and particularly women with Asian heritage to be petite, academic, quiet, and submissive, which I definitely internalised for a while.
I still celebrate Chinese New Year every year by making a big feast for my friends and this year I used the opportunity to raise money for charities which support girls to access education in rural China and help Chinese women who are experiencing domestic abuse in the UK. Connecting with my culture through food was difficult for a while as I suffered from disordered eating through most of my late teens, something I think is a lot more prevalent in Asian women than the cultural consciousness or statistics would assume. I studied mandarin for two years which is something I’d like to pick up again, as well as making a show in the future about my experiences with my mixed identity.
I visited mainland China once for a month with my Mum and brother and went to all the main tourist spots like Beijing, Shanghai and Xian, but it was in the rural areas and mountains that I felt most at peace and strangely at home. I haven’t been to Hong Kong or Malaysia but I’d love to visit in the future.
My outlook on my mixed-race ethnicity/identity has definitely changed a lot from a child to an adult and is constantly shifting and evolving. Children are so naturally accepting of difference, whereas adults are bundled in so many layers of political and media opinion that can quickly stir up intolerance, so that’s always going to be impactful on anybody’s sense of self. Studying post-colonialism at drama school gave me the language to articulate so much about my identity which I couldn’t previously put into words. As I get older I’m sure my outlook will reflect my experiences, positive and negative, but I’ve come to accept that I’m a kind, strong, intelligent and whole person and I can always carry that with me. My mixed-race identity is a part of that, just as my queer identity is a part of that, and in certain stages of life or situations parts of your identity might be more visible or informative of your sense of self and that’s okay as long as you know that you are always worthy of respect and love.
If I were to be born again, I wouldn’t change anything. Being mixed has given me a unique perspective on the world and influenced my compassion towards people no matter where they are from.