Dutch | Chinese
I am a 20 year old Dutch-Chinese law and criminology student who was born and raised in the Netherlands yet speaks with an American accent as a native language which individuals find confusing. I even speak English in my home country at times instead of Dutch. I have faced many struggles around mixed race dating, being mixed-race, racism, lack of representation, etc.
I have experienced a severely increased amount of racism (on top of the usual). These kinds of hate crimes make me very worried for my Chinese family members. It also hurt to not be able to visit my Grandparents in China. However, due to the pandemic (and therefore remote studying), I was able to move to London, United Kingdom from Groningen, the Netherlands and build a whole new life there for myself. That experience meant a lot to me but also introduced me to a cultural and diverse environment for the first time in my life where I felt diversity was appreciated.
My Mother is from Groningen in the Netherlands and my Dad is from Wenzhou, China. My Father immigrated to the Netherlands when he was roughly 11 years old as an economical refugee along with my Grandparents and his 7 siblings (the 8th one died in China as a newborn due to poor conditions). My Grandparents started a Chinese takeout restaurant in a small village where my Mother started working as a waitress and often ran into my Dad in the village. The interesting part is that they did not blend their cultures. My Father learned Dutch and tried to adapt as best he could but remains very traditionally and stereotypically Chinese to this day. My Mother never learned Mandarin or tried to properly get to know and appreciate his culture. For instance, as a child, when my Father would cook he would make rice and dumplings for us whilst when my Mother would cook she would make traditional Dutch dishes such as stampot and hutspot. We spoke Dutch at home and neither of my siblings and I ever learned Mandarin from my Father’s dialect.
A personal challenge for me would be (severe) racism and self hate as a result of it. I grew up in a small village in the North of the Netherlands where there is not much diversity present. I can not remember a time without daily racism by teachers, strangers, friends and even my own Dutch family. The lack of representation and daily hate crimes left me hating myself and wishing I was White. I only became extremely proud to be Asian when I was 16 and started travelling the world with my boyfriend. I am now even a little ashamed to be Dutch as the stereotype of their open mindedness frustrates me. I feel I have missed out on many Chinese traditions and even feel they were stolen from me as every trait of being Chinese resulted in social punishment. Additionally, I struggled with being mixed-race and experienced an identity crisis. As the majority of the Chinese community in the Netherlands is ethnically fully Chinese and speaks Chinese, I never felt like I belonged. Yet for Dutch people, I always felt too Asian. I couldn’t get much support from my siblings as they look mostly White and being mixed-race was more of a ‘fun fact’ than a label for life. I struggled with the fact that in some pictures I will look more White whilst in some I will look almost fully Asian. The same goes for makeup or certain styles. On top of that, I face opinions from others every day on whether I look more Asian or White which leaves me confused.
I used to try so hard not to be Chinese and just be Dutch. However, this was made very difficult due to my very Asian appearance. I started embracing being Chinese around the age of 16 and became extremely proud. I nowadays hide the fact that I am Dutch as I am ashamed of it. I am proud to be mixed-race but often hide the fact that I am Dutch or will try to minimise this. This is easy as I sound American and am a native English speaker. I will at most tell individuals my Mother is Dutch.
I am my own role model. I have overcome so many struggles in life and am proud to be here today. However, I get a lot of inspiration from Chinese actors (such as Constance Wu) or Asian celebrities or pop groups (such as BLACKPINK or Twice). Shang Chi and Crazy Rich Asians also made me emotional. I need this to feel represented, proud and beautiful. I wish I had more mixed-race role models however but find them hard to find so due to my mostly Asian appearance I consider myself Asian and stick to that. I also find love in stereotypical behaviour (although I happened to love boba, rice, k pop and skin care) as a way of showing pride. I think we are still far from change but believe awareness, acceptance and acknowledgement (including that of subtle inequality and less obvious struggles) are the first step. Also, listening instead of attacking individuals who raise these points.
The challenges are racism, self hate, confusion and identity crisis as well as a sense of never quite belonging and feeling angry that my Chinese culture was stolen. I for instance am not able to speak to my Grandparents as they only speak their dialect and I will probably never be able to before they die. The positives are to be absolutely rare and unique in a way that is the absolute coolest. I am thankful to be mixed-race Chinese-Dutch despite the struggles because it is so magnificent and it makes me feel so powerful and strong.
I visited Shanghai, Hangzhou and Wenzhou in China (including my Father’s old home where my Grandparents still live as they moved back to China once financially stable) for the first time when I was 18. This meant a lot to me as I finally felt a sense of belonging. Yet not belonging as I didn’t speak the language. I plan to visit again and even move to China in the future as I want to experience this and feel it’s something I have to do as well as learning Mandarin. In terms of the Netherlands, I grew up there but do not intend on living there ever again (I live here temporarily right now to finish my studies) as I have developed a sense of disgust for it due to what I have experienced and seen happen to others as well. Although this often occurs in Dutch speaking circles so it is hard to see for English speakers or expats. Strangely enough I do feel a sense of pride at times. I used to hate being mixed-race and hate being Chinese. Now as an adult I am extremely proud and feel so unique, special and powerful. I am sure this will evolve even more as I hope I will learn more about my Chinese culture.
I feel underrepresented as an Asian and feel eyes on me at all times wherever I go. I feel that the internet nowadays allows more representation for me to watch but the real world often lacks, especially in a western country. I also feel that the western world has portrayed a horrible and damaging image of Asians and in specific China.
I try to be around other Asians or mixed-race individuals as much as I can. Although other individuals of different cultures also empower me as they often have faced similar struggles. I also attempt to get involved in things that Asians stereotypically like to feel more Asian although I happened to like these things a lot.