British/Trinidadian | British/Spanish
I identify as a White/European and Caribbean Indian mixed-race woman.
My Mum comes from north London; her parents are from Dartmoor and Trinidad. My Dad comes from the Cotswolds; his parents are from Cheltenham and Madrid. They met while attending rival London universities. My relationship with my respective heritages has been largely indirect, but they were always strong forces in my life. My childhood was punctuated with Indian food cooked by my Grandma, who'd been taught by her Mother-in-law as an initiation into her husband's culture. Going to my Grandpa's house, I would take wall upon wall of Black and White photos of Trinidad and a world half-lost for granted, as I would his unrelenting accent (despite living in England since he turned 15). Growing up, I experienced more of Trinidad preserved from the day the family left in the 50s than today's Trinidad. It is surreal to feel so culturally connected to a place frozen in memory that you can never visit or feel completely reconciled with. Since my Grandpa developed dementia, the fear of losing that culture through the generations has become more and more tangible. It's made all the more imminent by the lack of a visual ethnic identity beyond White passing.
On my Dad's side, annual visits to Spain and meeting an extensive Spanish family has preserved that heritage and made it an element of my present, as well as a foundation of my past.
I have never actively hidden my identity, rather, the opposite; I was afforded the luxury of an accepting social environment and if anything, felt the need to express my heritage rather than be just assumed to be wholly English. I remember classmates seeing my full name and being shocked at the Spanish 'de la Vega'. My best friend from middle school genuinely thought I was joking about being mixed, and was a bit taken aback when she eventually met my extended family. It's a strange thing growing up on the edge of multiple cultures, knowing it's an internal identity rather than something people will recognise in you (unless they look at your middle names).
Interracial relationships today are far more widely accepted than in my Grandparents' day. I've heard many stories of my Great-Grandparents' disapproval and am just grateful that things are better, if not healed completely. Considering I don't look much other than White/English, I have avoided the discrimination and racism that my Grandparent(s) and all too many people today have to face. Since my Grandpa has dementia, my overwhelming concern has been with educating myself on my heritage rather than letting something that has been so important to my life and upbringing disappear into history. It's hard to balance the relationship with my heritage. On one hand, I've experienced much of my culture(s) indirectly, on the other, I've experienced too much to feel comfortably entirely English.
One of the complicating factors in my relationship to my family's past is the fact that I've never been able to visit Trinidad, largely due to the changes that have taken place in the country since my family immigrated. Part of me believes that the Trinidad I know from story after story must be a different Trinidad altogether from the one that survives today. On the other hand, I have been lucky enough to visit Spain many times and have stayed with my extended Spanish family both in Malaga and Madrid. As a child, my understanding of my mixed family was much more fluid. I imagined Trinidad and Spain as I heard about them in the countless tales my Grandpa and Lela (Father's Mother) told me. The cultural elements that persisted in small ways; the food, the language, the familial relationships. I only recognised it as part of my heritage as I grew older.
A lot of time over the phone with family and friends (and my cat - in person) has got me through the pandemic. Morning exercise, reading and completing work makes me feel that little bit closer to normal.
As a White passing mixed person, navigating your own identity can be confusing, let alone on the global stage. I feel I have had the privilege of trying to spread awareness of and support BLM without facing the prejudice that non-White-passing mixed people endure.
If I could do it all over, I would keep everything the same. Being such an amalgamation of traditions and history is a confusing but beautiful experience and I feel deeply grateful.