British/Swiss | Japanese

When I'm asked the inevitable question 'where are you from?', I'll just say London. Seems like a bit of a cop out but the fact is I identify as a Londoner perhaps more than anything else. Because I do believe a Londoner can actually be from anywhere, and anyone can rightfully call London their home. That said, I was born and raised here and while I've been fortunate enough to travel quite widely, for work and pleasure, as well as study and live abroad, there is no place in the world I feel more at home than London. What an amazing privilege it is to live in such a diverse city where you're exposed to so many cultural influences. I'm not saying it's all perfect here, but I'm so proud to call this place home and to identify as a Londoner.

My Mum is from Kyushu in southern Japan and my Dad is half Swiss and half British, born on the south coast of England. My Dad was traveling around the world and stopped for some time in Tokyo, teaching English. This was the 1960s so there were not many foreigners in Japan at that time, not even Tokyo. He met another British guy and together they set up the James Bond School of English. He met my Mum, who was studying in Tokyo, through a mutual friend. Dad came back to England a few years later, and Mum joined him soon after. At that time flying across the world was not so easy, so she travelled overland, taking the Trans-Siberian railway and then on through Europe.

I was born and grew up in London in the 70s/80s. Travel back to Japan was long (we had to go via Moscow) and expensive, so we didn't go often during my childhood. But the times we went did have an enormous impact on me and Japan is definitely a very special place, so familiar in so many ways, like a home-from-home. But having spent more time in Japan in my late teens and early twenty's (although amazing and cherished experiences) I knew I was unlikely ever to make Japan my permanent home. I'd say I'm closer to my British culture and as much as I had privileged access to many parts of Japanese life and culture that non-Japanese may never have, I was never fully accepted there. I felt my identity was more conflicted in Japan than in the UK, or at least in London (incidentally I also never felt I could live anywhere in the UK outside of London). I've felt some pressure (all my own, not external) to balance better my cultures and that I should have sought to do this better, it's something I'm still trying to accept and find peace with.

When I was little, I didn't really know or see any other families like mine. I remember as a girl I saw a photo of John Lennon and Yoko Ono and thought it was my Mum and Dad! I'm lucky in that I think the only overt racism I've experienced was as a child, with kids stretching their eyes at me or calling my ‘slitty eyed’, that kind of thing. No one knew much about Japan in those days so as far as others were concerned I was Chinese. I remember a kid coming up to me at school and announcing that my Mum cooked with chopsticks, like it was a strange thing or something to be ashamed of. I can't remember what my reaction was but probably along the lines of 'doesn't everyone's Mum cook with chopsticks?'. That kid had never been to my house so I don't know how they knew, or why they thought it was a point worth making, but I suppose it is one example of the small but frequent incidences that over time served to make me feel different. I guess now we'd call that 'othering' and I've found this realisation helpful later in life to understand a bit about what's shaped me and made me the person I am. I felt like I struggled as a teenager to fit in, and I have often felt like an 'other', or out of place. Bring mixed can be a bit like having constant imposter syndrome, always questioning if you're valid in a certain space or whether you're trying to pass yourself off as someone you're not, or don't have the 'right' to be. Anyone can have imposter syndrome, in a professional setting for example, but as a mixed person you can feel it in just everyday life. I'm not sure if I can consider myself Asian but I'm never comfortable in all or predominantly 'White' settings either. This is still something I'm grappling with and trying to find a way to recognise my own validity.

As a child I didn't like my name. I have a Japanese name and spent my whole school life having it mispronounced by teachers in front of classrooms of sniggering kids. I went through a phase of wanting to be called something else and I developed a reticence to meet new people as I'd have to introduce myself, this lasted well into my adult years. I can't remember exactly when this changed but at some point I began to appreciate my name for the fact that it was different and unusual. People often seem to remember me and my name and I knew they wouldn't be mixing me up with someone else! It provided many a conversation starter and has helped me in some ways feel more connected to my Japanese side. I'm now incredibly grateful I have a Japanese name and am never ashamed to say it.

I don’t think there were times when I actively hid my identity, but I do remember occasions or situations in which I was more acutely aware of how I appear to others. At one time in my early 20s there was talk in the media about Asian ‘mail-order brides’, with pictures of older White men with younger women of mostly East or South-East Asian descent. For the first time I think I became aware of the difference in physical features between myself and my White Dad, with his pale eyes and fair hair. I remember on a few occasions when we were out together, very publicly and purposefully declaring that he was my Dad, making it clear in case anyone was judging us and thinking otherwise. I don’t know if he ever felt the need to assert or clarify his own relationship with me or my Asian looking brother, but I imagine this, or similar experiences, are not uncommon in most mixed-race families.

I don't speak much Japanese, or at least I don't now. I didn't grow up bilingual, not so much was known about children’s ability to learn multiple languages back in the 70s, so we only spoke English at home. My Mum tried at one point, but I shunned Japanese language lessons as a kid, desperate not to be different from my friends, and it wasn't until my gap year in Japan that I began to learn. I discovered so much about myself that year and learning the language opened doors to that part of me, my heritage and my relationship with my Mum that changed me profoundly. I deeply regret not keeping it up.

I feel that to a certain extent we're a bit invisible, both within my organisation and in society as a whole. It's not always obvious what someone's heritage is and these days there are less occasions to meet people in person, where you might have the opportunity to find out. While some official LSHTM EDI statistics do show a separate category for 'mixed' I'm not aware of anything within the School that has ever looked to understand or recognise us a community. This is why I proposed a small project to try and reach out to and bring together people like myself within the organisation, to find out what's important to us as a community and how we can help and support each other. Bringing in the collaboration with MRC has been brilliant and for me the response from our community is already validation for doing this project.

I've only really started to explore my identity as a mixed-race person in the last decade and I've found that platforms like Mixedracefaces have been so helpful and inspiring. I enjoyed reading others’ experiences, seeing such amazing diversity, unique experiences and life stories, and yet in each one I've also found something that just resonates with me, sometimes on deep levels I never even acknowledged or realised. I do think there is a way in which we have to navigate the world, between cultures and identities that sometimes clash, that gives us some unique perspectives and qualities. It's so nice to see them celebrated.

Another thing I've noticed is how important representation is. To see people in society who look like me, who are recognised as mixed and where that is acknowledged has been powerful. A few years ago I watched the wonderful TV series Giri/Haji. In it there was a Japanese/British character, I think the first one I've ever seen. He's a young male prostitute with a drug habit, so in many ways we couldn't be more opposite and yet I felt such a strong affinity with him, such a connection. Credit of course to Joe Barton for creating such a likable, complex character and Will Sharpe for the incredible portrayal.

The UK census didn't even include mixed as an ethnic category until 2001. Nowadays I think people of mixed heritage are much more visible than when I was a child, which is a great thing. But with that visibility sometimes comes a sense of scrutiny and of opinions of others on what we are, what we represent and how we should identify. This spotlight is not always kind. It's been interesting to explore historical perspectives and put some things in context but what I'm looking forward to now is starting conversations with others who identify with mixed, where we define ourselves and celebrate our uniqueness as well as our commonalities.

To the next generation I'd say don't ever be ashamed or feel like you have to be anything other than yourself, in whatever way you wish to identify, and however much that changes over time. I'd say don't ever feel bad if you find it easier or more natural to associate yourself to one of your cultures, this isn't denying or being disrespectful to the others, you can hold all of those elements of yourself in a balance within you, but it doesn't mean they'll always have equal weight. And that's fine. Of your cultures, embrace what you feel comfortable with, know that your heritage is a legitimate part of you and what makes you unique. I'd also say reach out to others who share similar experiences, it's incredible how much is common and how connections with others who just 'get it' can really empower us.