English | Trinidadian
I was born in Trinidad and lived there with my family on my Mother's side. My Dad is English, he left the family and returned to the UK when I was 3. Later on my Mum remarried a Trinidadian man who was offered a job in London. She really wanted my brother and I to see England, and know that side of our heritage, so she agreed that the family move over.
I first came to London when I was 6 for a couple of years. I remember the drive from the airport, looking up at the January sky thinking how cold and grey everything seemed. It got better soon after, it snowed! This was the first time my Mother, brother and I had seen snow, and it was amazing! When I started school the children there were so friendly, but I couldn't help but feel different because of my Trini accent, and my deep tan. Also there were so many cultural references I just did not get. After 2 years the family decided to go back to Trinidad to live, which my brother and I were so happy about. We missed our family so much, and the weather, and the food.
When we settled back in Trinidad it was the middle of the school year, and my Mum had trouble getting myself and my brother into a school. She finally got me into a school called New Town Girls. I was bullied on my first day for being a 'White girl'. It was my first experience like this, I didn't understand because this was where I was from. I had only left for 2 years! Why had things changed? My brother was having similar problems in the school next door called New Town Boys. We both ended up getting into fights, but in the end it worked itself out and we became friends with our schoolmates. I even had a best friend.
Once again the family decided to change direction and move back to the UK. This was a big blow for myself and my brother, as we had a pet dog, friends, all our family and we didn't want to leave. In the end it wasn't our decision, so we flew back to the UK and I started secondary school.
While I was in Trinidad I had started acting, so when we came back to London my Mum looked for an after school drama club for me to go to. Once again I got bullied because of my accent, and because I was different. I swore to myself that I wouldn't let that stand in the way of me settling in. So I asked my drama club teacher who was also an elocution coach to teach me how to speak with a British accent. We did 1 lesson a week, and by year 9 in school I was flawless! I remember thinking about how impressive it was until one morning while going to school a school friend corrected me. She told me instead of saying 'here' I say 'hair'. I felt embarrassed. Although every evening I went home to a Trinidadian household where everyone, including my brother spoke to each other in a Trini accent. Looking back I feel sorry for that teenager, who wanted to fit in so badly she went through those strict accent classes. Why did I not feel like I would be accepted if I just showed up, with whatever accent that was? At the time, at school no one knew where Tirnidad even was. Fitting in was an obsession for me. I didn't realise until I was older, my Step Dad was out of the picture and my Mother had returned to Trinidad to care for my Grandmother. It was just myself and my brother who were both at uni. Over time we began to naturally lose our accent at home, and in the end all that remained was a London accent. I flew over to Trinidad to see my family and on several occasions I was called 'White girl' by strangers. Even recently I got asked by a Trinidadain man 'where am I really from?'.
What does fitting in mean? For me now, as a grown woman, fitting in means being comfortable with yourself and bringing YOU out to the world. In whatever shape, size, colour accent that may be. My obsession for fitting in did nothing but hinder my growth. I was hiding behind a fake accent at secondary school. Pretending to understand cultural references, pretending to myself I was not mixed-race. Being someone from a mixed heritage can feel like you don't fit into either culture sometimes. My family in Trinidad are Carib, French Creole, Venezuelan and Italian, and my Dad's side is English. I find myself constantly having to answer the question 'where am I from'. Most of the time people are interested, which is not a negative thing, but I rarely see friends of mine who are not mixed ask that same question as often.
I would say that I feel like my home is both London and Trinidad. I was recently contacted by someone who is my first cousin who has shown me that my family tree is one of the largest in Trinidad with 1.5 thousand people! I love both cultures so much in so many ways, and I wouldn't change a thing about my childhood. It helped me discover what I needed to do to 'fit in'. Stop caring about any of it. Be you as you are, as you come, unapologetically because that is the uniqueness that God blessed you with.