English | Bangladeshi

My parents often talked about the similarities in their families, both being one of six and both being raised Catholic. It seems to be one of the things that drew them together. However, my Mum found it quite hard when joining my Dad’s family, her ways of showing affection didn’t match theirs, her culture being big on gift giving and open displays of emotion, where their culture wasn’t. On the other hand, I don’t think my Dad ever really found it difficult integrating with my Mum’s family. He often talks about how he tried to find the similarities between the families such as the closeness and that my Mum’s family are westernised. The French part of their heritage makes them much more familiar.

I’ve always struggled with my treatment from one side of my family. I’m often treated differently to my cousins, and I’ve never understood why. It could be because of race but it could be a number of other reasons. I’ve never understood why I’ve been an outsider to them, but I’ve always felt it was there. It certainly never helped with the feeling of never quite fitting in and never quite belonging. I’ve often felt like there were two sides to me and I’ve wondered if this comes from being a child of the colonised and the colonisers. My Dad’s family were in the British Raj in India, running political jails in one case. My Mum’s family lived in territories owned by the British during colonial times. But through all of this confusion, there is also a great joy in being able to experience two cultures. I think it has helped me to be very open minded and welcoming of diversity.

I don’t think my colleagues recognise I am mixed as I often pass as White. Many people don’t know that I have this hidden side to me unless I say, or on the flipside I am immediately clocked as ethnically ambiguous. It’s left me to struggle with my identity, never really knowing what it was or the shape it would take. I think that’s why I attached myself to personality traits, like being clever. It’s something tangible I could hold onto and understand.

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