South African | Japanese

Photo credit: subject

I am a Queer, neurodivergent, 1st generation migrant.

My parents met through a Japanese Buddhist organisation. There was a lot of fighting in my family due to the nature of my parents differing heritages. Both were very stringent in their beliefs and their traditions so this impacted the way my sister and I were brought up a lot. However my parents are still together and stronger than ever. They learnt a lot about compromising and therefore both of our backgrounds were incorporated when being raised. I took away from this a lot about negotiation and the good and bad ways that this can be done and how it’s important to compromise at times.

I have always been closer to my White side unfortunately. This is because I grew up in post-apartheid South Africa in a society that didn’t accept or understand Asian faces. I got bullied quite a lot for looking Asian and therefore rejected this side of myself, but recently I have been connecting so much more to this part of my culture as I see how beautiful it is, and such a big part of me. I really struggled growing up and almost saw myself primarily as being White for a long time. But now I have found my people and my space in society, I’m proud to be Japanese too. People act shocked when they find out that I am both cultures, but I love it and I try to balance them both together equally. My whole life growing up people described my parents as weird or strange. I felt like I could never show my Japanese side as I would feel shy and ashamed. Only once I was around 22 did I read a book about being Hafu, and I started to identify with the characters in the book. I was also living in Cambodia at the time and there were lots of Japanese expats there who accepted me as I was which made me feel even better.

A personal challenge I struggled with identity wise was smiling with my eyes. This might sound silly but for so many years I would practice smiling with my eyes as wide as possible so people wouldn’t know I was Asian. However I slowly have started to come into my natural smile and it makes me feel so much more myself and at ease!

There are so many different things I can say, but the main thing is that you will come to love and adore your dual cultures. They feel tricky to deal with at first as society judges you and who they perceive you to be, but it ends up becoming your superpower as you can fit into any and every space. You belong to everybody and nobody at the same time; a blessing and a curse (but more of a blessing). For a while I would only say I was South African but now I try to make it clear that I am of mixed heritage. I think it was easier that way and I wouldn’t get so many questions. I also didn’t want people judging me or assuming what kind of person I was based on my nationality.

I get a lot of ‘oriental’ or ‘deer eyes’, some have nicknamed me ‘sushi’ etc. I really don’t like it and try to vocally say something about it as I genuinely think the majority of people don’t realize how much it can trigger individuals.

I really admire South East Asian Vietnamese and Cambodian cultures. They are all about community and supporting values and I think that is so beautiful and something I’m trying to learn from (given my very independent upbringing from both the Japanese and South African side). Dishes which always have hints of soy sauce (it just improves the flavor honestly), the elaborate kimonos and sense of culture in Japan and the South African grounded energy.

Almost none of my work spaces recognize that I am mixed-race which is sad. I try to let people know all the time however I am about to put on a new cabaret 1 women show called ‘Identity Kaleidoscope’ which will be exploring just that! So hopefully more people come to know about this.

My role model is my childhood ballet teacher Kariena. She always taught me that life was full of hardships that would kick you around, but you would always find a way out of them and that ultimately it’s up to you to figure out how to deal with life’s circumstances.