Pakistani | Filipino

Photo credit: provided by subject

I am mixed-race; Pakistani & Filipino, Atheist and gay. I am also a weight-lifting triathlete.

My Mum is Filipina, I was born in the Philippines and I am a 1st generation immigrant. My Stepdad is British and I thought he was my Dad until I was 30, I’m now 32. My genetic Dad is Pakistani but that's all I currently know about him. They met through mutual friends as my Mum's cousin was marrying my genetic Dad's friend. I only recently discovered I was half Pakistani through a shock DNA test result, so I spent all of 2020 processing it, coming to terms with my new identity, piecing together the shocking puzzle, all throughout the added stress of the pandemic and lockdowns. It's been a time of huge pain yet huge growth for me. I am literally a different person at the end of this pandemic - crazy, huh?!

Growing up in rural East Yorkshire in the 90s/00s, my Mum and Stepdad ensured I ‘fit in’ as much as possible and didn't want me to stick out, for fear of racism and bullying. East Yorkshire is a very White area, but I'm pleased to say that my local community were very accepting of me. I think this is partly due to my outgoing, slightly bonkers, extrovert personality, and the fact I play classical piano, which many in my community respected. But I did hide my homosexuality until I was 18.

Mum didn't teach me Tagalog (Filipino) and I didn't return to the Philippines until I was 19. I was also known by my middle name which sounds a lot more White, as my parents thought it would be better for integration. It was me who decided to switch back to my actual first name in my mid-teens. I don't blame my parents for this at all, I know it came from a place of love, help, and trying to protect me.

I am a lot more open to other cultures and experiences than I was in my earlier years. Growing up I wasn't exposed to many different cultures. I don't mean this in a negative way though, I have nothing but pride for my status as a Yorkshireman and lifelong Northerner.

I very much welcome my Grandparents on my Mother’s side and think they're great. My Grandparents (who are actually my Step Grandparents) were always fine with my Filipina Mum and Stepdad too.

Being gay and mixed-race equals huge challenges. I'm essentially a minority (gay) within a minority (person of colour) within a minority (mixed-race)! It's taken a lot of work to come to terms with who I am, love myself, celebrate myself, and accept myself for who I am within society, and my place on this fair Earth. I think even as late as aged 28, I was still in a negative, anxious headspace about the fundamentals of who and what I am.

I LOVE having dark skin! Love love LOVE it! Reflecting back on my earlier years, I do understand and empathise with why as a child/teen I thought it would be so much easier to fit in and be White. You don't want to stick out or stand out from the crowd at those ages. But look, now here I am, aged 32, with absolutely no wrinkles, frown lines, or crow's feet yet. I will continue to look younger than my years for hopefully a bit longer, and I just love the fact that I stand out. People can never place me, I tend to fit in anywhere, and I really like that!

I've been to the Philippines once and I very much want to go back. I'm learning more about it online through watching videos/documentaries and also through social media. I now have added Pakistan to my list as I have very little experience of Pakistan. I only have one Pakistani friend!

I now feel blessed and privileged to be mixed-race. I am a much better, stronger, and more caring human being because of it. If I'd have answered these questions in my mid-to-late twenties, I think I would have been a lot more negative, anxious, unsure, and unaccepting of my mixed-race heritage. Now, I can't get enough of it and want to embrace it as much as I can! To my fellow mixed-race humans reading this: love yourself, go on, I dare you!

I am a lecturer at a well-respected London music conservatoire, so I feel I am doing my best to represent here. Also, as a mixed-race classical pianist, I am very much representing what is seen as a very White, conservative genre.

If I had the opportunity to be reborn I would want to come back as a wolf; they're sleek, agile, focused, yet fundamentally caring and relationship-orientated. Just like me.