English/Scottish | St Kitts

Photo credit: April Alexander

My story is in honour of my late Dad, George Leroy Hodge.

I identify as a mixed-race Londoner, I am agnostic. My Dad was very much a Caribbean Londoner (he sadly passed away in January), his roots are in St Kitts in the Caribbean. My Mother is English and Scottish. My parents met in their mid-twenties working as youth workers in London. 

I recognised I was mixed-race in nursery age 3 or 4. I remember wanting to look like Barbie. I used to pray to wake up with her long Blonde locks and peachy skin. I would often think I couldn’t possibly be pretty if I wasn’t White, which is deeply sad and dangerous that those thoughts somehow made their way into my psyche at such a young age. Negative self-talk started young. I was obsessed with Mel B from the Spice Girls, she was the only person I remember seeing on tv that looked like me. I knew Scary Spice was different from the others, but it took a while for me to really recognise why I identified with her so much.

I grew up in a very diverse part of London (Walthamstow), but I noticed that other kids tended to stick to their own ethnic groups and I remember feeling lost. My best friend at primary school was mixed-race and perhaps the familiarity I saw in her brought us closer. I was often called 'coconut ' or 'bounty ' at sixth form, which I brushed off at the time. 

It was never conscious but reflecting on my childhood I think my Grandfather and his church going, hardworking, stern but fair Caribbean demeanour really gave me an insight into how different life had been for him back in St Kitts and the good and bad of living in England after Windrush. I always think of my Dad as a Londoner, but he was deeply Caribbean in his attitude to life. My Mother's parents were extremely academic and middle class, they had oxford educations and I got the sense that they have really, really lived life to the fullest. This was definitely encouraged in us as we were growing up.

Constantly being asked 'where are you from?' can be draining. It’s fine to be interested in someone's heritage but I'd like the question to be asked properly. In my acting career it has been suggested that my ethnicity is the reason I book a job, which is highly insulting and this kind of thinking, in my opinion comes from those in a privileged position. In relationships, I remember an ex-boyfriend's Grandmother proudly declaring how relieved she was that I wasn't 'that Black' upon meeting me.

When it comes to dating I like to know I'm not seeing someone who 'has a thing for mixed-race girls'. It makes me feel replaceable and is based purely on appearance. Being from London, I can feel uneasy being in spaces that make me feel ‘othered’. We are in a bubble sometimes in this city, London lets you be who you want to be. It can come as a shock when you get stares and intrigue in other parts of the country. 

DO NOT STRAIGHTEN YOUR HAIR! I had lovely ringlets that I completely ruined by overheating. I felt like I could only be attractive with straight hair when I was younger, and I highly regret not embracing my curls. A little girl I looked after a while ago, asked her Mum to specifically buy her the Black doll because she wanted it ‘to be like me’. It was really heart-warming that she hadn’t gone for the classic White Barbie as I had at her age. 

If I had the opportunity to be reborn I'd return as Eartha Kitt and slay all day. She is an icon not known by far too many people. She was political, and powerful in her performance and her zest for life.