Dutch/Indonesian | Lebanese/Venezulan/Trinidadian

Photo credit: provided by subject

I identify as multi-racial, eclectic and spiritual/committed. Both of my Mother's parents were Indonesian and Dutch. My paternal Grandmother was from Lebanon (raised in Trinidad) and my paternal Grandfather was from Venezuela and Trinidad. I grew up amongst a large Italian step-family as well. My parents met at a party in Trinidad of course! My biological Father disappeared around 1982 (I was born in 1978). Prior to that, there was a lot of travel back and forth between Barbados (where I was born) and New Jersey. My Mother was a flight attendant at the time so the travel between the States and the West Indies was easy. I don't remember much other than a sense that this is where my love of water and the ocean came from.

My childhood memories involve lots of Indonesian food, Dutch traditions and language, and stories about growing up in Indonesia. My maternal Grandmother (my Oma) was the story-keeper and was primarily responsible for the deep appreciation of our mixed heritage. We traveled to Holland as a family as well as Indonesia. My maternal grandparents are the only members of the family that immigrated to the United States, everyone else stayed in the Netherlands. My Mother and her brothers moved to NJ at a young age and grew up in a predominantly Italian neighborhood. They have some very interesting stories about that transition and time in their lives.

I think in life it is important to be able to recognize when something isn't serving you anymore. Whether that is a job or a relationship or any situation that you know deep down isn't right for you. It can be scary, almost terrifying to be able to acknowledge that but also to be able to do something about it. I came to that point in my life a few years ago and I just had to trust my instinct and trust that my ancestors had my back and took that leap.

I grew up in a predominantly White town and went to a predominantly White school. To say that I have hidden a part of my identity is an understatement. I lied for most of my young life and just told people I was Italian, I just wanted to fit in and did not want to stand out at all. I remember a story my Mother often told about when I was in 1st grade or so. We had made a classroom display about all of the places we had visited and once again, I lied. I said I had never been anywhere. That couldn't be further from the truth, I wasn't even born in the United States and by that time I had been to Barbados, Trinidad, Venezuela, England, and the Netherlands but I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to be seen as different in any way. Now that I think back, I don't think it was until college in New York that I felt free to begin to explore who I really was and started to investigate and honor my mixed background. I had always valued it internally and cherished all the traditions and stories privately and within my family but growing up I guess I was just so afraid of being seen as ‘different’ that I tried to keep that difference hidden. Now, of course, I embrace it and am grateful for all of the things that make me different, but it definitely didn't start out that way. Now I talk about it every chance I get. Even in my work. I work at a School of Social Work, I have my MSW and my area of expertise is intimate partner violence. It is very difficult to find research on the experiences of mixed-race people and I try to bring that up every opportunity I get.

I would say right now, the person I find myself quoting the most often is Angela Davis. While she has a lifetime of advocating and fighting for social justice, there is something about her, her spirit, and her legacy that goes beyond that for me. It is her steadfastness and ability to address issues through an intersectional lens (before there was a term for that), and her consistency that make me view her as a role model. She is a radical revolutionary and it is only through tapping into that type of spirit that we are going to create any kind of real and lasting change.

I believe we need to have frank, open, and honest conversations about racism and oppression. We need to acknowledge that there is no debate to be had, racism exists both on an individual and structural level. It is embedded in all of our systems from education, to criminal justice, to healthcare and until we come to terms with that nothing will change. We need to dig up and dismantle the root causes and these are conversations we need to be having in every arena of life, not just at colleges and universities, at social justice organizations. And it needs to move beyond this performative nonsense. Don't tell me you believe that Black Lives Matter but your board or your leadership team are not diverse. We need less performance, less talking and more action. Show me you believe we need to end racial injustice, don't just tell me about it. We need to be more vulnerable and open and engage in critical conversations focused on true liberation for all people, guided by the people that are most impacted and are closest to the issues.

I love having a mixed-background but it can also be challenging to fit in. I am not 100% this or 100% that so it can almost make you feel like you don't belong anywhere. You are in this in between world where you feel like you aren't enough. There is no one group I belong to, no one place or country I call home. It almost makes you feel like an imposter, like you are trying to be something you are not when really you are just a little bit of everything.

I have been to the Netherlands, Trinidad, Indonesia and to Barbados. Next on my list is Lebanon. I think because I come from a mixed background I always feel like I am trying to find my home and specifically traveling to Bali, Trinidad and Barbados all felt like home to me. Not just the land, the ocean, and the surroundings but the people. These are the places where I felt like I belonged.

I retain my culture through the food that I cook and eat, the music I listen to, the stories that I read and tell, the traditions I practice with my children, the way that I dress (sometimes) and in honoring and respecting my ancestors every single day and at night before I sleep.

I cry almost every day. The last time I cried was while watching Call the Midwife. I cry every time I watch it for so many different reasons. It is a beautiful show that not only captures the beauty of birth but teaches so many other lessons about life, struggle, poverty, social justice, advocacy and activism. I am a doula and midwife's assistant so I think every time I watch it I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am grateful that I have been given the opportunity to work in a setting where I am inspired by the absolute strength of individuals and get to tap into a long history and tradition of midwifery. I almost started to cry while writing this, it is an overwhelming feeling.

The start of the pandemic was pretty stressful at first. I have always had to work multiple jobs to get by and right at the beginningI lost my second job which was a pretty significant income. I was grateful to have been able to continue my full-time position at a local university but it took many months to be able to catch up. That being said, it was definitely an interesting time. While it was and continues to be full of anxiety, stress and fear of the unknown it has also been a time to slow down and reflect on what really matters and how I want to live my life. Whether I did it consciously or not, I used it as an opportunity to re-prioritize and reflect.