Chinese | Eastern European (unknown)

Photo credit: provided by subject

Here's how I described myself in a recent bio; I am a community musician, activist, and traveler. I have a mix of Chinese heritage from my Mother, Eastern European Jewish heritage from my Father. I had a left-liberal and eccentric American childhood, early adult years living in an intentional community, and a recent year of living and working in Tanzania. I have lived most of the past four decades in Ontario, Canada.

For me personally, while I have been sad about things I was unable to do (traveling, performing as a musician) I have been fortunate not to have been affected financially and not to have lost anyone to the Covid. So what has been most difficult is seeing its impact on the world as a whole, especially on racialized people, non-wealthy countries, marginalized people in general. Also to see the level of suspicion and hatred it has brought out in so many. While I have not personally been a target of anti-Asian hate, people I know have been. None of this has surprised me but it has been tragic nonetheless. I feel that the world in general is dealing with PTSD and a lot of healing will be needed. I do not know what that will look like, but I have to live as if it is possible.

My Mother's family is from China, my Father's family is Eastern European (we're not sure if it was the former Czechoslovakia or Hungary). My Mother was born in the US in 1928 while her family was there for a few years, grew up in China, and returned to the US as a young adult. My Father was born in the US in 1927, less than a year after his parents immigrated. They met in a grad school class! They (both deceased now) were both academics.

My Mother went to open the classroom window so she wouldn't fall asleep, and my Dad snapped at her ‘Close the window! Do you want me to catch pneumonia?’. That's where it all started. At my Father's memorial service a decade ago, one of his old roommates reminisced about how my Father would talk about the beautiful Chinese woman he had met who was way out of his league (or whatever the expression was then). My Father was a professor of Chinese history (even though he was not Chinese) and in fact was famous in his field during his lifetime. He also rarely talked about his own life or culture; he had rejected Judaism as a teenager. He spoke fluent Chinese and traveled to China often for his work, as did my Mother (a professor of Chinese and English literature) once China was opened to the West.

My Mother cooked Chinese food often (I loved it) and we got together periodically with her family. So I always identified mostly as Chinese, and not at all as Jewish. We all spoke English at home but my parents would speak Chinese when they didn't want my brother and me to understand. I have wanted to be recognized as Asian most of the time since that is how I feel. It isn't obvious when people look at me.

I almost don't want to call this a challenge because it all went so smoothly: I found out toward the end of 2020 that I had stage 1 breast cancer. Early in 2021 I had surgery, then radiation treatments, and as far as I know I am completely healthy at this point. None of it was physically hard. Emotionally, how I managed it was by not letting it change how I felt about myself. I didn't think of myself as ‘sick’, rather as a healthy person who had something in my body that needed to go. I learned and found out as much as I needed to, but mostly carried on with all the other parts of my life: community involvement (though most of it was online at the time because of the pandemic), writing, music, etc. I reached out to friends, not so much to talk about the cancer (I didn't really have anything to say about it!) but to keep me connected with and involved in life. In the future, since I am high-risk due to a genetic mutation passed down from my Father's side of the family, I will need screening and perhaps further surgeries, but I'm not concerned. I will do whatever needs to be done and continue to think of myself as healthy.

I have appreciated that the lens through which I see the world is not a White lens; I am learning all the time, of course, but have not had to free myself from White supremacist assumptions in the way I would have to if I were all White. A challenge is not being as in touch with or aware of my culture as I would like to be. I am sad that I do not speak Chinese. None of the cousins of my generation do either, and they are all Chinese on both sides! Another challenge is having no contact with my Father's family and feeling that I have missed out on that side of my identity.

I visited China with my Mother in 1984. At the time, it was only starting to be open to Westerners, and where we could go was limited. As I didn't speak Chinese, my Mother was the interpreter of all experiences and that was a somewhat biased lens. We met some of her old friends and colleagues and heard their amazing stories, but were not able to meet any family members.

I have learned more as I have grown older and embraced being mixed more and more, especially when I connect with other mixed people. I don't remember feeling that my identity was problematic when I was a child, probably because I didn't experience overt racism (I was often assumed to be White) and because I wasn't interested in ‘fitting in’ to mainstream culture anyway. But I think as an adult I have learned to celebrate it. As for getting older, I already am older! But hopefully I still have several decades ahead and of course my outlook will continue to evolve.

Asian people are represented more and more, and Jewish people have been for quite a while now, and I have noticed more representation of mixed people in the media. But I think it is still not as normalized as it could be. Then there's the whole question of, do we want to be ‘included’ in a society that is inherently White supremacist or do we want to change it?

My Mother's side of the family has been meeting regularly on zoom during the pandemic, and in person before, even though most of us don't live near each other. I celebrate the lunar new year and enjoy the food from my culture. I would like to learn Chinese when I find time.

I have to say that although I rarely cry (not sure when I last did!) I am generally in touch with and at peace with my emotions, even the difficult ones. I definitely support others to cry, it just isn't something that happens for me.