South African (Mixed-Heritage)
I don’t think I had one exact culture within me to get closer to. My parents are both of mixed ancestry and both were classified as ‘Coloured’ under Apartheid. My father is also Muslim and my mother was Catholic, before converting to Islam when they married. My mix isn't direct Black and White and my family’s origins are hazy as it is, which I’ve often found frustrating. My Dad will tell me his origins are from India, Africa and France. My Mother will say her side is from St Helena, which is not helpful given this was a very mixed island used by the British, so I think that that her must be European, Indonesian and British, based on the looks and surnames from her side of the family alone.
In my first year of University I remember having different racial and cultural friend groups and somehow feeling like I fit but also did not. It was never intentional, but part of being quite social and also having these different parts to my upbringing also meant that I “chameleoned” easily within each group.
It was such a tangible experience of being “other”. I could flit between many mixed groups of friends, but I realised that I will never be enough of any group to truly belong. I didn’t look exactly like any of them, but also my cultural experience and exposure was not the same. I felt like each group fit a part of me but never fully the whole. I guess, in a way, I didn’t feel fully seen for all of the different parts of me. At the time it made me feel frustrated and like I was a fraud - which race was I? Which culture did I belong to? I didn’t seem to fit any of them as easily as other people and I had no idea which one to pick or where I could belong best.
I’m generally really curious (and confused) about my origins and am conscious that for me it’s not only about the ancestral mix (Indian, European, British, Indonesian, African), but also the religious mix (from having a Muslim and a Christian side of the family) and the cultural mix (from growing up in a culture that was not only the same as my parents).
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