Korean | American
My Appa (Dad) moved back to Seoul when I was a baby, my Mom stayed in Ohio to take care of me and my four older siblings. For my earliest childhood memories, Korea felt like a fantasy. It was a hard transition when we first moved to Korea, and I know I didn’t make it easier for my Mom. I can only imagine how difficult, scary, and lonely it must’ve been for her, with my Appa always at work, unable to speak the language, 5 kids to care for and no local friends. But she always, without fail kept a positive attitude about the move with us. I am so thankful that she did that from when I was so young. It meant that I was able to really learn and experience Korean culture with love and respect for my ancestors and the land. To this day, it feels far more like a home than America does. Mom has really grown into Korean culture now, she actually lives in Seoul even though my Appa doesn’t even live there anymore, he’s in Myanmar! She’s completely built a life there, and even when I see her now, she’s always telling us to do things the Korean way, sometimes it’s like I have two Asian parents!
In my first couple of years in the UK, I could not understand why I had friends and people who loved me. I found it hard to believe that my ex-boyfriend could love me because I couldn’t get the idea out of my head that when he looked at me, he saw an Asian before he saw a person. I know that this is something that a lot of Asian women experience in Western countries. There is so much fetishisation of Asian women in the media and society that I’m always wary that people look at me and see a goal or an exotic experience, and I’m aware that I would experience this much more if I wasn’t half-White.
The hardest thing for me is dealing with believing that I don’t belong anywhere. I’m still learning ways to combat it. I’ve also made a lot of progress. I think it shows itself the most during holidays when all of my friends go home and are able to find a lot of comfort in feeling like they’re home. This is something I haven’t really been able to experience. I don’t have a childhood home or one place where I feel that safety and comfort.
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