Irish | Japanese
I identify strongly with the term hāfu. I feel uncomfortable with the suggestion that I might be ‘half’ of a person for just being myself. However, the term is so widely understood in Japan that sometimes using it can be a shortcut to having to explain myself. Moving through the world as a mixed-race person can feel so complicated and heavy that sometimes it’s simpler to take the easy route. I treat labels like hāfu as a skilful means. This is a Buddhist concept that essentially means that language can only get us so far in pointing to the true nature of something, though at the same time we can’t escape the fact that language is an essential tool.
My Mother has always been very accepting of who I am but as a child other family members would make comments about the combination of my European and Asian appearance. Society fetishizes people with White features, and this is particularly true of my own experience. Whether it’s my weight, height, or the way I dress myself, I’ve felt pressure from both sides of my family to fulfil opposing beauty standards. I’ve had to do a lot of unlearning to let go of these pressures and feel comfortable in my body.
Japan holds stringent societal standards for what it means to be a Japanese woman and in the past, I’ve struggled to come to terms with this. Like me, many of the Japanese or half-Japanese people in my life fall outside of these standards. This is particularly true of my Osaka roots! We’re known for being loud, (overly) friendly, and incredibly direct. However, seeing my Mum move through the world the way she does has helped me feel proud of my heritage. She’s one of the funniest people I know.
My Jiji and Baba are getting old now and it makes me sad that I only get to see them every few years. I want to hear more of their stories, how they met at Jiji’s sock business (!), made a life in Osaka and how they dealt with a daughter who would end up starting a family with an Irish man and moving to England. More recently I’ve been feeling a pull to move back to Japan to connect with this side of my family. I want to do this before it’s too late.
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