British/Irish | Jamaican
My Dad is from Jamaica and my Mum is of British and Irish origin. They both lived in Birmingham and met after my Mum’s first divorce. Truthfully, I didn’t recognise I was mixed-race. I was told when I was 8, after my teacher encouraged my Mum to have the conversation with me. I was starting to ask questions and show signs of confusion. I remember reading Tracey Beaker at the time and starting to question whether I was adopted. My Mum, sisters, and (Step) Dad were all White, so I assumed that I was the same, just that there was something horrible and inadequate about me.
At first, my Dad, being Jamaican, and being Black felt shameful. It felt dirty in some secretive way, which is natural, I think, when you consider how long it was kept a secret from me and the way in which it was presented to me. At that age too I was always bullied for my natural hair, which I couldn’t tame & nobody else around me could help me to tame. I can even remember the other children refusing to play with me because of my hair texture, skin tone, and lip size in nursery in Birmingham. As I got to secondary school age, I got box braids after seeing them on TV, and would be called names like ‘medusa’ and have older students feel my hair as I walked through the corridors. I understood I was mixed-race at that point, but my Blackness still felt shameful. Not because of Blackness itself, but because to me, at that time, my Blackness tied me to a man who didn’t want me or care for me; it felt like a burden.
My most positive mixed-race experiences have certainly come this last year. I’ve taken time to educate myself on the cultures which were not taught to me, as I recognise we are all in control of our own stories. I know a much more diverse range of people now, and I got a DNA test for my birthday and found out I’m Nigerian. I definitely feel even now that I find it easier to relate to the Nigerian side of my heritage than the Jamaican side, as it doesn’t remind me of my Dad. I used to feel incredibly invalid as a mixed-race person, but I feel that fading over time.
Want to read more? – Subscribe here #mixedracefaces